- [stumbling down the steps in the middle of the night]
- Al Bundy: Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed.
- Al Bundy: Family TV hour, Buck! Now, let's see what's on TV. Hey, here's a good show for you, Peg. "Goober."
- [reads slower]
- Al Bundy: "Gooooober Goooes To Tooown." Go ahead, Peg. You try to read the rest.
- [everyone laughs]
- Bud Bundy: How about this one? How about some math, Mom?
- [holds up one finger]
- Bud Bundy: How many fingers am I holding up?
- [everyone laughs]
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, yeah, Mom. Answer this one.
- [is unable to think of anything]
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, well, it doesn't matter. At least I'm not the stupidest.
- Al Bundy: Kids, come with me. I want to show you something. It's the only one of its kind in the house. My high school diploma.
- Bud Bundy, Kelly Bundy: Ooooh!
- Al Bundy: Kelly, pretty soon you'll have one. Then, Bud, you'll have one. And then, well, that's all.
- [everyone laughs]
- Al Bundy: Oh, wait a minute. That's not fair. Buck graduated obedience school. See? Here's his diploma. So, see, Peg, you're kind of... fifth smartest.
- Peggy Bundy: I am not dumber than the dog!
- Al Bundy: Oh, yeah? Well, let's just see about that. Buck, get off the couch.
- [Buck leaps off the couch]
- Al Bundy: When was the last time you did that, Peg?
- Al Bundy: Okay, look, kids, I'm gonna go to the store and get some dinner. Hey, I know. How about alphabet soup? That way you can eat AND learn.
- [Peggy is trying to find out why she didn't graduate]
- Peggy Bundy: Okay. I see the problem. It seems that I failed one stupid, useless class in my senior year.
- Bud Bundy: What did you fail, Mom?
- Peggy Bundy: Home Economics.
- Miss Beyer: Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Ruben?
- [the boy, Ruben, smiles proudly at the teacher]
- Kelly Bundy: Well, we both like boys.
- Miss Beyer: Uh, class, uh, uh, today a new student will be joining us. Because of her life experience, she will only have to take the final.
- Kelly Bundy: No. It couldn't be. Of all the Home Ec classes in all the schools in all the world...
- [Peggy enters]
- Kelly Bundy: She has to walk into mine.
- Peggy Bundy: Hi, Buck. "Dumber than the dog." Ha.
- [looks at the TV guide]
- Peggy Bundy: Let's see. What channel is Wheel of Fortune on?
- Buck the Dog: [sighs] It's 7. Just like yesterday and the day before.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, it's 7. I thought it was 7.
- Buck the Dog: Yeah, right.
- [after Bud is caught spying on Marcy]
- Marcy Rhoades: Peggy!
- Peggy Bundy: Bud, you must be punished. No school for you tomorrow, young man.
- [Bud lowers his head and walks upstairs, depressed]
- Peggy Bundy: He'll learn. He'll learn.
- Marcy Rhoades: [sarcastically] Well, I didn't mean to get him in this much trouble.