- Prince Paco: Oh, I am smitten with that boyish kitten. Ahoy, cabin boy! I am strangly attracted to you and your dubious sexuality.
- Cabin Boy-Girl: And I to you and your easy, pretty boy manner. So, let me remove all doubt and prove to you that I am no boy.
- [Stands in front of Paco and opens her shirt to reveal her bare chest]
- Prince Paco: ...How?
- Cabin Boy-Girl: Look closer, you idiot!
- Rubio the Cruel: Men, hide your women, women, hide your heinies! For I'll bring you the unique musical styling of Rubio the Cruel! Rubettes?
- [three identically dressed pirates line up behind him]
- Rubio the Cruel: [singing] For I'll be true to the song I sing, and live and die - ha-ha! - a pirate king! For I am a pirate king, and it is, it is, a glorious thing to be a pirate king! Whoo, I am a pirate king...!
- [dissolve to Rubio singing from the bridge]
- Rubio the Cruel: [singing] I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal and mineral...
- [shot of the pirates and Paco's men all committing suicide, by hanging themselves, stabbing themselves, or just jumping into the ocean; dissolve to Rubio's last number]
- Rubio the Cruel: [singing] Ding-ding-ding went the bell, zing-zing-zing went my heartstrings...
- Captain Courage: Now we all know why he's called Rubio the Cruel!
- Rubio the Cruel: [capturing Scarlett] Now, nothing will stop me from marrying you, collecting your dowry, having my way with you, and killing you! Not necessarily in that order.
- Prince Paco: Soon, we shall kill this Philistine in a matter befitting the way he lives.
- Captain Courage: Nothing will bother me as long as you do not take me away from my mistress the sea, and saddle me with a wife that doth not work, and kids that willst not leave the ship.
- Prince Paco: How about we cut off your head and feed it to the maggots?
- Captain Courage: Better.
- Captain Courage: Where is the cabin boy?
- Cabin Boy-Girl: How may I serve you, sir?
- Captain Courage: You can swab the deck in my quarters, ye of cropped hair and dubious sexuality.
- Cabin Boy-Girl: Aye, aye, sir. But I seem to have misplaced my mop. May I use your nose hairs as bristles?
- Captain Courage: Mock me if you will, Cabin Boy-Girl. Now go! Before I make you walk the plank... or should I say, walk yourself?
- Cabin Boy-Girl: I sense you are threatened by my androgyny. Perhaps it is that encounter you had many years ago with your strange "uncle" pirate that hauntheth you.
- Captain Courage: I am not gay! Any man can live with his mother until he's 40.
- [Captain Courage and Rubio the Cruel are in a clinch during the sword fight]
- Captain Courage: You're making me look bad in front of my woman.
- Rubio the Cruel: As least she doesn't have to stare at the bits of corn in your teeth.
- Captain Courage: That "corn" is my teeth! For that, you die!
- Rubio the Cruel: You fool! I was taught to fight by the greatest teachers in the finest schools in Europe.
- Captain Courage: Oh, yeah? Well I was taught how to fight in the streets!
- [Captain Courage knees Rubio in the groin]
- Captain Courage: Navigator, we're sailing to our hideout. Do your job.
- Ship's Navigator: Okey-dokey, Captain-Daddy.
- [a la an airline stewardess]
- Ship's Navigator: Now, in case of an emergency, please use the exits located on the starboard and port sides of the ship. And in case of a water landing... Fluvio has many delightful flotation devices already blown up in his cabin.
- [Captain Courage and the whole crew glares at Fluvio who looks back at them with great embarrassment]
- Ship's Navigator: But please, don't grab their chests, for the plastic is wearing thin.
- Ship's Navigator: [through a telescope] Land ho! Funny-looking land... made of wood, sails - oh, and a big steering thing, just like us!
- [CRASH!]
- Ship's Navigator: [sheepish] My goof, it was a ship.
- Fluvio the Handsome: Come, wenches! Kiss me or kiss the sharks.
- [He puckers up and shuts his eyes. All the wenches jump overboard]
- Captain Courage: Fluvio, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't give them a choice!