Married... with Children (TV Series)

Pilot (1987)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Anything else I can do to make your life a little easier?

  Peggy Bundy : You could shave your back.

  Al Bundy : Hey, that hair is there for a reason... keeps you off of me at night.

• Customer #1 : I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.

  Al Bundy : Well, these *are* sevens. The box says nine because, well, uh... Look, lady, you're a nine. I can accept it; why can't you?

  Customer #1 : You're very fresh!

  Al Bundy : No, ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I really should've been easing them into the box! So, no, I'd say I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you want to tell John Henry over there to give the hundred dollar pumps a rest.

  Customer #1 : Your ad says *courteous* service.

  Al Bundy : But that's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size nine exploded in his face!

  Customer #1 : [to her son]  Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.

  Arnold : I want a balloon.

  Al Bundy : You've already got one.

• Al : Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

  Customer #2 : Hey, you! Get my shoes!

  Al : Yes, Ma'am.

• Marcy : I feel that sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.

  Al : You gonna neuter him too?

• Al : You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us?

  [sits on the couch next to Steve] 

  Al : It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."

  [Al laughs] 

• Steve Rhoades : Do you two, uh, have any kids?

  Al Bundy : Two.

  Marcy : Where are they?

  Al Bundy : [shrugs]  I don't know.

• [last lines] 

  Al Bundy : Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know, to eat, just me and you.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, sure, if you want to.

  Al Bundy : We haven't been to The Captain's Table in a long time.

  Peggy Bundy : Oooo, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

  Al Bundy : Yeah.

  [long pause] 

  Al Bundy : You wanna go upstairs,

  Peggy Bundy : Thought you wanted to watch the game.

  Al Bundy : Naah! Who cares!

  Al Bundy : [as they head up the stairs]  You know, I like the coffee there too.

  Peggy Bundy : Mm.

• Al : I'm gonna hate these people.

  Peggy : You will not hate them. They are very nice.

  Al : If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

• [Al enters with holding a small cactus plant with one of his hands bandaged] 

  Al Bundy : Sweetie, is this your little cactus?

  Peggy Bundy : Uh-huh.

  Al Bundy : Any particular reason you put it where the alarm clock used to be?

  Peggy Bundy : I thought it would dress up the room a little bit. Ah, gee, you know, I meant to tell you do be careful before you slammed your hand down on the alarm this morning.

  Al Bundy : [showing his bandaged hand]  Well, you didn't.

  Peggy Bundy : Sorry.

  Al Bundy : That's okay. I stopped the bleeding with your slip.

• Luke Ventura : Hey, Al, mind if I go to lunch?

  Al Bundy : You just came from lunch.

  Luke Ventura : Yeah, technically, but biologically, I was in bed with some broad.

  Al Bundy : Luke, how can you be happy sleeping with every woman you meet?

  Luke Ventura : I don't know... but I am.

• Peggy Bundy : Al, do you have to leave the refrigerator door open? I'm getting chilled from the draft.

  Al Bundy : [sarcastic]  Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe I should look for some food in the dishwasher.

• Al Bundy : See, it's this little...period...uh, PMS thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I think that PMS stands for 'Pummel Men's Scrotums'.

• Al Bundy : Where are the kids?

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, they left for school. The school bus just picked them up. Oh, by the way, Bud has show-and-tell at school today. The subject is 'what does Daddy do?' So if you come home from work and a can of beer from the fridge is missing and you can't find the remote control for the TV... that's where they are.

  Al Bundy : I hope he brings the remote back. The Bulls are playing on TV tonight.

  Peggy Bundy : [sarcastic]  Oh my God, you're kidding!

  Al Bundy : Not as exciting with your cooking from watching Clyde the Cajun Chef show, but at least it gives me a reason to come home.