- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: [singing] We are the old. We've got arthritis. Our gums are weak...
- Richie Havens: So weak.
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: From gingivitis.
- John Sebastian: We are the old. We've got arthritis.
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: We are the ones who wear bifocals and have bursitis.
- Spencer Davis: There are people younger, but we heed another call.
- Richie Havens: We really need the money. Our accountants took it all.
- Peter Noone: We sing to you, those who have money. Once we was cool.
- Al Bundy: But now we just dress funny.
- John Sebastian: We need your help. So, please, please dig deep.
- Richie Havens: Don't call after ten, 'cause we'll be asleep.
- Robby Krieger: We have Medicare and anti-gas pills.
- Mark Lindsay: But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills.
- Richie Havens: Take it, Axle!
- [Al imitates a harmonica with a sandwich]
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: We are the old.
- Kelly Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Bud Bundy: They are the old.
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: We have arthritis.
- Kelly Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Bud Bundy: They have arthritis.
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: Once we were gods. Now golf excites us.
- Bud Bundy: Golf excites 'em!
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: So write a check...
- Richie Havens: A really big one!
- Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: For our December. There's one more verse, but we can't remember.
- Kelly Bundy: Mom. You know what I'm thinking?
- Peggy Bundy: That we should go upstairs and split up Marcy's shoes?
- Kelly Bundy: No, I was just wondering what I was thinking 'cause I forgot.
- Bud Bundy: Hi, Dad. This is Petal.
- Petal: It's part of a flower.
- Bud Bundy: Isn't she great? I met her in quantum physics. Hold my calls.
- Al Bundy: There never are any, son.
- Bud Bundy: Never mind that now, Dad. See you tomorrow.
- Al Bundy: Uh, young lady. Young lady, you do realize that's my son's bedroom you're going to?
- Petal: Yes. Heh heh.
- [Al throws out his arms, and embraces Bud to congradulate him for his first 'score']
- Al Bundy: Axl, Axl Bundy, you know, from Shoes N' Socks, remember? San Francisco 1969.
- John Sebastian: I don't remember too much about 1969.
- Al Bundy: Who does?
- Al Bundy: Any man who can score 4 touchdowns in a single game after a night with your mother is surely capable of new glory.
- Al Bundy: Fratella's in second place, but I can take him. He goes home at night to visit his wife. The sap still loves her. Luckily, I don't have that problem.
- Peggy Bundy: Where's the money, Al?
- Al Bundy: Oh, I got robbed. I was driving home and I drove by the bank, and the street was cordoned off. So I knew I shouldn't get out of the car, but I did, and that's when they jumped me.
- Peggy Bundy: Muggers, Al?
- Al Bundy: Worse. Bankers. Bill collectors, electric-company reps, that wiry little woman from the water company They were all there. They threw me down, forced a pen in my hand and made me pay bills against my will. I felt so violated.