- Al: Kelly's stupid not because we didn't have a wave machine back then. It's because your parents were brother and sister!
- Peggy Bundy: My parents are not brother and sister. They just started to look alike after Mom's hair fell out.
- Al: Miss, how much for a ID of an ex-pro football player with a cool nickname?
- Girl Vendor: 200 dollars.
- Al: Well, what can I get for a buck?
- Girl Vendor: A shoe salesman named 'Al'.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, listen, I'm already done with the first trimester. Now what if what's left is all good, and we miss out on it?
- Al: [laughing] You know, I'm finally starting to understand how she got you. Let me explain something to you. There is no such thing as a trimester. There's actually just one long forty year-mester. Except when they're pregnant, you get what I call the mini-mester. You've got your fat-mester and your puke-mester, and lord in heaven, you got your horny-mester.
- Bartender: [lifts his glass] That's when I left.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: So Al, where are you gonna go to?
- Al: Somewhere where shoe men run wild and free in the big sky Where never is heard an impregnated word, and the hooters are uncovered all day.
- Al: Take for example, the Rifleman. He knew not to hang out with his wife. You know, I always suspected that's who he was blowing to smithereens before the start of each show.