Married... with Children (TV Series)

Ship Happens (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peggy Bundy : [holds up a flare gun]  Hey, look what I found!

  Al Bundy : Peg, be careful! That's a flare gun. We only use that to fire off a red flare when the rescuers come looking for us.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh... but I don't want them or anyone else to see me with my hair this way.

  [Peg throws the flare gun overboard] 

  Al Bundy : Oh, this is just great! Now I know why Jacques Cousteau only has men on the Calypso.

  Gilbert Gottfried : That's not "why".

• Al Bundy : I agree that we should appoint a captain for us to get us out of here. We must nominate someone for the position. Now, who knows the most about the sea?

  Gilbert Gottfried : David Hasselhoff.

  Al Bundy : All right, Gilbert is disqualified.

• Al : [What he knows about the ocean]  When you flush, it goes here. And I've seen all 3,000 episodes of Gilligan's Island.

• Gilbert Gottfried : So, I'm on a cruise. My agent says to me, "go on a cruise. You don't have to follow Sinbad . You don't have to follow Carrot Top. And, you get to eat with the captain." Well some turn this is. Am I eating with the captain? Am I eating? Am I on a cruise anymore? Somebody get my agent!

  Al Bundy : Somebody get me a spear gun!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Come on, Al. I think Gilbert is funny.

  Al Bundy : Make that two spear guns!

• Marcy D'Arcy : Why don't we try to catch a fish?

  Al Bundy : How? We got no rods. We got no hooks. We got no bait.

  [everyone looks as Gilbert Gottfried who looks back at them with dread] 

  Al Bundy : Well... we still have no rods or hooks.

• Joy : I know how we can catch a fish. Here's an oar and there are dozens of small fish swimming around the raft. We just whack one with the oar and dinner is served.

  Al Bundy : Without cooking it?

  Joy : Why bother?

  [looking absolutely famished:] 

  Joy : Cooking just makes them smaller.

• Peggy Bundy : Al, whack a fish and get me dinner.

  Al Bundy : Oh, all right, Peg. It's always the same thing! "Al, get me dinner. Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny." Why can't it just be: "Al, wake up, it's Cindy Crawford here. I'm hungry and horny!"

  [Al moves to the side of the raft and raises the oar, then pauses] 

  Peggy Bundy : What are you wating for?

  Al Bundy : A red one. There!

  [Al swings the oar at the water, making a large splash] 

  Al Bundy : There, I got her! Hey... where'd that fish go?

  Marcy D'Arcy : Where all dead fish go.

  Gilbert Gottfried : To the Red Lobster?

  Marcy D'Arcy : No, Nimrod. To the bottom.

• Marcy D'Arcy : Does anyone know how to repel a shark?

  Al : Go ahead, Gilbert. Do your impressions.

• Joy : Why couldn't have Liam Gallagher been the entertainer? I mean, at least then we could have had watermelon.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, like we would have had some.

• Al : [after drawing the short straw]  Gee, I can't believe how small it is.

  Peggy Bundy : Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I said that.