- Leona: I want my money back. These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
- Al Bundy: Well, let me explain. See, it's... it's just like an elevator. There's a 2-ton weight limit on these shoes. What say I nail the soles directly to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
- Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
- Al Bundy: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
- Peggy Bundy: [after Bud and Kelly told her that Al ate muffins from a pretty woman, and Peggy thinks Al's cheating on her] Well, Al, you wanna explain yourself?
- Al Bundy: Well, ahem, I left high school, and lost the will to live, and here I am.
- Al Bundy: [to his family] What if I said that I've come to grips with my job and I've come to appreciate what the three of you mean to my life?
- Peggy Bundy: We'd say you were lying.
- Al Bundy: And you'd be right!
- [Bud and Kelly hide behind the counter, waiting for Al to come in the shoe store]
- Kelly Bundy: Isn't there a better place to hide? I mean, he has to come here every time he sells a shoe.
- [Bud points to the cash register, which is covered with cobwebs]
- Kelly Bundy: Sorry.
- Bud Bundy: [after watching Al, who has been sitting on a foot stool, for hours] $3.25 an hour. How can they afford to pay him?
- Bud Bundy: Well, Kel, I think we can go home now. The only person Dad's cheating on Mom with is Death.