Married... with Children (TV Series)

Sue Casa, His Casa (1990)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

• Al : [on the phone]  Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? This is Al Bundy. Yeah, I'm fine. Jim, I want to ask how much would it cost to add my son to my auto insurance plan? How old? Let me see... Bud, how old are you?

  Bud : Sixteen, Dad.

  Al : [into the phone]  He's sixteen.

  [pause] 

  Al : What? If you think I'm gonna pay that much, you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna!

  [pause] 

  Al : You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.

  Peggy : Well, what'd he say about me, Al?

  Al : Nothing I haven't said myself!

  [into the phone] 

  Al : Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police and the local health board what your catch of the day really was?

  [pause] 

  Al : Oh, well if you want to be that way, you can take your insurance and stuff it! All of it!

  [hangs up] 

  Al : There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!

  Bud , Peggy , Kelly : Cheap, cheap, cheap!

  Peggy : Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?

  Al : Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

• Al : Are the kid's hurt?

  Peggy Bundy : No.

  Al : [picks up a baseball bat]  Then I'll have to do it myself.

• Peggy Bundy : [after Al puts on the "Bon Jovi hair"]  Gee, Al. You look like Tarzan... If he was old and gay.

  Al : Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be!

• Al : [after having his insurance canceled and still giving the car keys to the kids]  Ah, at least my pain is gone.

  Peggy Bundy : Al.

  Al : Oops.

• Peggy Bundy : How was your date, snuckum?

  Al : Oh fine, fine. Just me cruising around, listening to the Oldies station at 1500 Watts. Made a lot of new friends. Take, uh, Officer Lewis for example. Unfortunately I couldn't hear his siren at first, but luckily police cars are now equipped with rammers, that gently eased me into the rail. Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude". Then he wrote me up 18 tickets; including the one for bleeding on his pad. How was your day?

• Marcy Rhoades : [entering the room slightly laughing, holding a car phone in her hand]  Oh, god. You want to hear something funny? This car phone lay over at my house and a policeman came over and asked me what car I thought it came from, the Mercedes or the Dodge.

  [laughing, then getting a slight grip, to Al] 

  Marcy Rhoades : He thought it could be yours.

  [into the car phone] 

  Marcy Rhoades : What's that? A woman cross town needs a seven-triple-E? I'm on my way.

  [immitates an accelerating car] 

  Marcy Rhoades : Whoever thought seeing an accident like that could be that much fun.

  Al : You saw it?

  Marcy Rhoades : Yeah. I was saying goodnight to my date.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, Al, a non-Bundy as a witness. You think They'll believe her?

  Al : But Peg, do you think a judge will believe that she had a date?

• Al : [sarcastically]  Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will skyrocket

  [to Kelly] 

  Al : because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for

  [glances at Peg] 

  Al : the bumper-car queen over here...

  Kelly : [smiling emotionally]  Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh?

  [Kelly wraps her arms around Al] 

  Al : No, it's the insurance.