Married... with Children (TV Series)

Teacher Pets (1992)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bud : Dad, why are you dressed like that?

  [Al is wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm with Andy"] 

  Al : Little Andy Maynard is having his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He is going to have pizza!

  [Al wraps present] 

  Al : Of course there is nothing in the box, but when they realize that, I will be full and gone!

• Al Bundy : And I'll tell you something else. She lied about her age. The last time she was 40 was 1840.

  [the cops take Mrs. Mariner away] 

  Al Bundy : I'm sorry I had to do that son, but dammit I love you.

  [leaving] 

  Al Bundy : Oh Bud, Mommy's out of tampons.

• Al Bundy : What are you people trying to do, ruin my boy's confidence? Now, if he says a teacher looked at him, I say a teacher looked at him. Son, was this a female teacher?

  Bud : Yes, Dad.

  Al Bundy : Seriously?

• Bud : Dad, I've been seeing two women at once and it's wearing me out. I don't know how to juggle two women. Did you ever have this problem?

  Al : You're talking to Old #33 here! Do you know how I got that number?

  Bud : 'Cause the most money you've ever had was 33 cents?

  Al : No! Because that's how many women deep the line was to ride the wild Bundy.

• Bud : [thinking]  Two, two, two babes at once. God, I envy me!

  Student : Hey, did you guys hear the news, Miss McGowan's dating a student!

  Student : She ran off with a football player.

  Student : Yeah. She said he was the only one who could ever satisfy her.

  Bud : [thinking]  No big thing, that leaves me more time to give to the younger babe.

  [Darlene pulls away from Bud] 

  Bud : Good news babe, now you've got me all to yourself.

  Darlene : Drop dead! If you can't satisfy an older woman like Miss McGowan, what the hell would I want with you?

  Bud : Well, let's just see how you feel when the new teacher gets here. I haven't seen a temp that didn't need a little lovin'

  Mrs. A. Mariner : [an ugly old woman appears]  I'm Mrs. A. Mariner and I'll be the new teacher for the rest of the semester.

  [Mrs. Mariner sees Bud and pinches his cheek] 

  Bud : [thinking]  and then again, there's always Chuck E. Cheese with Dad. Well, great thing about being at the bottom is you can't fall any lower.

  Al Bundy : [Al appears]  You cradle robber! You Cher!

• Al Bundy : You can't just take my son, have your way sexually with him, and not expect some repercussions from a concerned parent.I played high school football, I know the score. Son, are you really going out with with this pruneface?

• Al Bundy : I'm afraid it may not be you she's after. I'm afraid she might be after the vast Bundy fortune. She wants everything we have.

  Bud : Dad, I've seen the trunk of her car, she's got everything we have.

  Al Bundy : It's still not right. Son, you got plenty of time to date 40-year-old women when you're 70, no wait, make that uh hmmm 35 when you're 80, yeah feels more right to me.

• Al Bundy : Hey Bud, Mom is sick. Get her an aspirin.

  Bud : I am bushed.

  Al Bundy : No pressure. Do it tomorrow.

• Peggy : Can someone get me some water?

  Al Bundy : You know where the kitchen is... or maybe you don't.

  [Al chuckles] 

  Kelly Bundy : Daddy, she is sick, she needs help.

  [Kelly stands up] 

  Kelly Bundy : Mom, the kitchen's over there somewhere.