Married... with Children (TV Series)
The D'Arcy Files (1994)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
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Al Bundy : [sees a gun holster Walter Traugott has] Hey, now. If you're a cop, I don't talk to the law, I don't listen to the law, I don't watch L.A. Law.
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Al Bundy : Walter Traugott came into the store today, told me you were a spy. Said he'd give me a $50,000 reward if I turned you in.
Jefferson D'Arcy : Did you?
Al Bundy : Do I look like I'm in Rio without the wife and kids? Although there is a plane leaving at six.
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Walter Traugott : I've got something to discuss with you of a rather, um, personal nature.
Al Bundy : Oh, well, don't worry about it, Troggy. Your secret's safe with me. I'll just go close the blinds and you can, uh, try on anything you like here. For a couple of season tickets, I'll call a friend of mine over at Victoria's Secret and you can, uh, coordinate.
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Peggy Bundy : How come they don't have a Harlem Globetrotters baseball team?
Al Bundy : They do. They're called the Mets.
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Al Bundy : One last question. Who was the vice president under president Eisenhower?
Jefferson D'Arcy : I have no idea.
Al Bundy : You are an American.
[Al salutes]
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Walter Traugott : I came here to ask you a question. Specifically, do you know the man in this picture?
[shows a picture of Jefferson with two men]
Walter Traugott : Or this one?
[shows a picture of Jefferson with another man]
Walter Traugott : Or maybe this one?
[shows a picture of Jefferson with a group of men]
Walter Traugott : I'll cut to the chase. This man is one of the most dangerous people in the world.
Al Bundy : Joey Bishop? I always suspected that.
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Bud Bundy : Dad. Great news, Dad. Kelly and I wanna start up our own business.
Kelly Bundy : So will you loan us $5,000?
Al : [sarcastically] Well, sure. Jody, Buffy, let me truck on over here to the wall safe. Nobody look.
[Kelly covers her eyes as Al gets up and takes a portrait off the wall]
Al : Well, strike me blind and call me Charlie. It's been took. Quick. After them.
[goes back to his seat]
Al : I'll wait over here by the ball game.
Kelly Bundy : I didn't even know we had a wall safe.
Bud Bundy : Too bad it's gone. Your brains were in it.
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Jefferson D'Arcy : Oh, hey, before I forget, Marcy wanted to invite you guys to an April Fools' party tomorrow.
Al Bundy : Really?
Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah.
Al Bundy : Oh, man, I love April Fools' Day. Peg, remember Mrs. Quinn, our music teacher?
Peggy Bundy : [chuckles] Yeah. One April Fools', we faked a love note from her to the female gym teacher.
Al Bundy : [laughs] And the school board suspended her license.
Peggy Bundy : [laughs] Just three days before her retirement!
Al Bundy : And her husband divorced her and left her penniless!
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Peggy Bundy : [with a toothache] Al.
Al Bundy : Uh, Peg, please just go wait in the car. I'll be right there.
Peggy Bundy : Promise me, Al?
Al Bundy : Yes, I promise, Peg.
Peggy Bundy : You swear to me, Al?
Al Bundy : DAMN YOUR HIDE, YES, I, PROMISE! Wait in the freaking car!
[Peg leaves]
Al Bundy : Geez, the things that women make you say to show them you love them.
