Married... with Children (TV Series)

The Great Escape (1988)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Kelly poses as a mannequin to fool Al] 

  Al Bundy : [passes by]  Those damn mannequins look like hookers.

• [Al is fondling the right foot and leg of an attractive young woman at the shoe store] 

  Jade : Oh, sir. It's been 10 minutes. Don't you think you should get me a shoe?

  Al Bundy : That's an all-too-common mistake in the shoe biz, miss. You see, us real pros understand the need of holding a foot and getting a good look at the leg so we know what we're dealing with. I hope you're not too uncomfortable.

  Jade : Well, actually... it turns me on.

  [Peggy and the rest of the Bundys enter] 

  Al Bundy : We're closed!

  [Peggy sits down in the chair behind Al who immediately knows who it is] 

  Al Bundy : Go home, Peg!

  Peggy Bundy : I am home, Al.

• Mitzi : I need shoes.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, the blacksmith's right around the corner.

• Bud Bundy : [about Kelly's grades]  How'd she do?

  Al Bundy : [looks at Kelly's report card]  Ahem. F, F, F, D. What happened, Kel? You attend one?

• Termite Boss : Yo, Mr. Bundy! More news on the termite front.

  Al Bundy : Ahh! Let me guess, a termite slipped in the tub, broke his wing, and he's suing us.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, on the good side, he can't get much.

• Termite Boss : So, Mr. Bundy, we tent this baby up and in just a couple of days, adios, termites.

  Al Bundy : Oh, yeah? Well, how much will it cost to tent this baby up?

  Termite Boss : Just a second.

  [pulls out his calculator] 

  Termite Boss : Now, let's see. We're, uh, we're gonna need the special tent.

  Al Bundy : Special tent? For what?

  Termite Boss : Well, you know, your house is shaped oddly.

  Al Bundy : You mean like a house?

  Termite Boss : Yeah, too bad. Now, let's see, you got floors, that's extra. You got rooms, that's extra.

  Peggy Bundy : And windows, too.

  Termite Boss : Uh-oh. Now, you got an attached garage, so I'll give you 10% off, but then it is another room, so that's extra. Plus gratuity. That comes to $1750.

• Peggy Bundy : Kelly, you see what happens when you study?

  [points to the termite boss] 

  Peggy Bundy : $1750 a job.

  [points to Al] 

  Peggy Bundy : $1750 a year.

  [points to the termite boss] 

  Peggy Bundy : Yes.

  [points to Al] 

  Peggy Bundy : No.

  [points to the termite boss] 

  Peggy Bundy : Winner.

  [points to Al] 

  Peggy Bundy : Loser.

  Al Bundy : [points to himself]  Suicide.

  [points to Peggy] 

  Al Bundy : Reason.

• Al Bundy : Ah, that's just great. $1750 for a tent to put over a house.

  [to Peggy] 

  Al Bundy : Listen, why don't we just borrow one of your mother's muumuus? Hell, if she doesn't wash it, we won't have to pay for the poison either.

• Al Bundy : Now, let's see. We need a place to stay that's cheap and comfortable and accepts pets. I got it. We'll sleep in the shoe store.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, honey, please reconsider. There's still time to get four cardboard boxes and sleep in the junkyard.

  Al Bundy : Nah, it's too much like staying at your mother's.

• [Buck comes out of the stockroom with a shoe and starts chewing on it] 

  Al Bundy : Oh, Peg. Didn't you bring him a bone or anything? Those are $100 pumps.

  [grabs another shoe] 

  Al Bundy : Buck, here, boy. Here, take this. This one's on sale.

  [Buck continues chewing on the expensive shoe] 

  Peggy Bundy : Isn't that cute, Al? It's like he knows.

• Al Bundy : [when three attractive girls come in]  How can I disappoint the poor ladies, Peg?

  Peggy Bundy : Have sex with them.

• Kelly Bundy : Uh, Dad? In case of an emergency, where are the other exits?

  Al Bundy : There are no other exits, but don't worry. Nothing will happen. But if something does, I've got the keys right here.

  [pats his pocket] 

  Al Bundy : So you can't leave me behind.

• Bud Bundy : Hey, look. The movie at the mall plex must have just let out.

  [a group of people stop and start staring at the Bundys in the shoe store] 

  Al Bundy : What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a family living in a shoe store before?

  Peggy Bundy : A lousy eight bucks! He would not put up a lousy eight bucks for a hotel! HE'S A CHEAP...

  Al Bundy : [cover's Peggy's mouth]  Good night, everybody! And you single guys out there, remember, this could happen to you!

• Kelly Bundy : Will you guys go to sleep. I'm trying to study.

  Bud Bundy : [holds up Kelly's school books]  Oh, then, uh, won't you need these books?

  [Al and Peggy stare at Kelly] 

  Kelly Bundy : [chuckles nervously]  Oh, God, I was studying so hard, I thought I had them.

  [Kelly walks over to get her books and purposely stomps on Bud while walking back to the counter] 

  Bud Bundy : Owww!

  Kelly Bundy : Sorry.

  Bud Bundy : Dad, Kelly stepped on me.

  Al Bundy : Get used to it, son. They do that your whole life.

• [after Kelly sneaks out of the shoe store, Bud hears a dog growling and barking] 

  Bud Bundy : What's that, Dad?

  Al Bundy : Ah, that's Satan, the mall guard dog. Don't worry about it. He can't get in here. It's a good thing too. He's a real killer.

  [Bud smiles and happily watches as Kelly is being chased by the guard dog, Satan] 

  Bud Bundy : Better than any concert I've ever seen.