- [playing a board game, Al has to tell what he cares about]
- Al Bundy: I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I SWEAR!
- Kara: You're so brave Grandmaster B. You're all I ever wanted in a man. My last boyfriend was so boring. All we did was make love.
- Bud Bundy: What a loser.
- [thinking to himself]
- Bud Bundy: I'm definitely not doing this. No way, no how, never.
- [glances at Kara's cleavage; still thinking]
- Bud Bundy: Oh man. Look at those hooters!
- [smiling]
- Bud Bundy: I'm doing it.
- Kara: I booked us on a rafting trip down a river the Indians used to call "kiss your white ass goodbye"
- Al Bundy: Uh, pumpkin, um, before you go out in the neighborhood and spread this all around, can I ask you something? What's it like to have a life?
- Kelly Bundy: Well, people think that being young and beautiful is exciting and everything, but actually it's pretty boring. I mean, take today for example. There I am at the mall and this guy, some geezer rock star, steps on my foot. You know, that Springsteen guy.
- Al Bundy: The Boss?
- Kelly Bundy: Well, I don't think so, Daddy. His wife seemed to be the one in charge.
- Al Bundy: Middle-aged woman comes into the shoe store. She's wearing a blossom hat, you know, the "I'm just a cute young girl of 45" look, and she's looking for something cool to wear to a Crosby, Stills, & Nash reunion concert. So I suggest a nice recyclable paper bag to put over her face, you know, so she can save the planet two ways. So she maces me. But as I lash out blindly, I think I clipped her a good one in the teeth. So, from now on it looks like she'll be gumming the words to "Teach your children"
- Kelly Bundy: Now, as we both know, you are doing this for sex. But let me tell you something. It doesn't matter what a guy does or says or how he treats us. The second we see a guy, we already know whether or not he's gonna get sex. Which, by the way, explains why you've never gotten any.
- Bud Bundy: Hey, now, if that was even close to true, do you think I could still hold my head up?
- [Bud lowers his head in shame]
- Kelly Bundy: Look, all I'm saying is that if she hasn't let you touch her yet, she never will. And if you still feel the need to do something dangerous, throw out your Clearasil.
- Bud Bundy: Yeah, like I'm really gonna take the advice of someone who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, like you know who he is until his ears flop out.
- Peggy Bundy: Now it's my turn.
- [Peggy spins the wheel]
- Al Bundy: Oh, please don't let her land on Sexual Intimacy.
- Peggy Bundy: Sexual Intimacy! Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay.
- [reads her card]
- Peggy Bundy: "If your lover suddenly was unable to perform anymore... and was a shoe salesman... and named Al..."
- Al Bundy: [takes the card] Oh, come... give me this now. It couldn't possibly say that.
- [reads the card]
- Al Bundy: Oh, my God, it does!
- Bud Bundy: [after jumping from an airplane] But I tell you this: The next time a girl comes up to me and wants me to do something stupid...
- Kelly Bundy: You'll do it?
- Bud Bundy: You betcha.
- Al Bundy: [to Kelly, after Bud leaves] Ha ha ha ha ha! You know what? For a million dollars, I'd never jump out of an airplane.
- Peggy Bundy: Al, you landed on Kiss the Neighbor.
- [Al looks to the camera. Later, he's on an airplane and approaches Biff with his parachute]
- Biff: Don't you want your last-minute instructions?
- Al Bundy: Ha ha ha ha ha!
- [Al jumps right out of the plane, leaving Biff baffled]