Married... with Children (TV Series)

Twisted (1996)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Quotes 

• [playing Mad Libs] 

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Now, somebody give me a verb.

  Al : Cluck?

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Okay. Now, somebody give me a command.

  Ariel : Cluck you?

  Al : [chuckles]  I like you.

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : You know, maybe Mad Libs is a little too advanced for you people. Let's just play 20 Questions. Now, who wants to start?

  Al : Go to hell.

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : That's not a question.

  Ariel : Why don't you go to hell?

  Al : [chuckles]  I *really* like you.

• Sandy : Excuse me, but am I invisible?

  Al : Possibly from Pluto.

• Sandy : These shoes are too big. I'm swimming in them.

  Al : Well, that'll explain the life preserver under your dress.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Al, I know we swore on a stack of Big 'Uns that we would keep the secret way out a secret, but...

  Al : I think you're right, Jefferson. This is a matter of life... or sex.

• Al : [Al's finger is caught in a fat woman's shoe]  I wonder what could happen to make this situation any worse.

  Sandy : I have to go to the bathroom.

• Radio Announcer : [voice]  Well, it's not over yet, folks. That tornado that hit Cook County is expected to double back at force five.

  Al : Force five? F5? That's five times stronger than the last one!

  [both Peggy and Marcy are fixing themselves up by putting on makeup] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Dear God, no! I can't live through that again!

  Al : Oh... the darkness... the cold... the awful suction...

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I'm not talking about the tornado, Al!

  Al : Neither am I!

• [Al has just gotten his finger caught in a fat woman's shoe] 

  Sandy : Oh, these shoes are great! They fit perfectly. They feel good too. Do they have some kind of gel lining?

  Al : Yes. That's the blood on the inside spurting from my severed digit!

• Sandy : I'm not leaving here until you help me!

  Al : Well, I don't know what I can do that God and Deal-A-Meal couldn't, but I'll give it a shot.

• Sandy : Look, I am a size five. And you are going to serve me a size five shoe, even if I have to sit here all night!

  Al : So, because you're mad at me, you're going to take it out on a perfectly innocent chair. A chair which has already suffered enough.

• Sandy : I've just about had enough of you!

  Al : You wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know medium? The size between small and you!

• Sandy : I'm going to go out on a limb here. You've never been employee of the month, have you?

  Al : That's right. But if I were you, I wouldn't be going out on any limbs.