- [Al is on trial for assault]
- Kelly: Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts!
- Al: Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!
- Al: Yes, yes, yes, I am an American hero. And in the grand tradition of American heroes, I will hawk more products than Bill Cosby... when he was hot.
- Al: Oh hello, Officer, did you mistake our house for a donut shop?
- Officer Dan: Obviously not. There's only one of me.
- Al: So for hitting this guy I get charged $50,000 which I don't have? Well, hell, I may as well go for a hundred.
- [punches him a second time]
- Laurie Diamond, Attorney: Your honor, if you're not touched by that, then you're not the man I slept with in law school.
- Al: Oh that's great, now I won't fall asleep again. Well I guess I'll try what worked for my dad when I was a kid, countin' hooters. 2, 4, 6, 8, oop, no wait a minute, twins, 12, 14, 16...
- Laurie Diamond, Attorney: We're asking for $50,000 in compensation, your honor, not just for the medical costs incurred by my client, but for the mental stress that my client is going through. Let's hear it in his own words.
- [Begins reading from a paper handed to him by his attorney, before stumbling]
- Burglar: My life is in a...
- Laurie Diamond, Attorney: Shambles.
- Burglar: Shambles. I am now afraid to break into people's homes. My career as a burglar may well have been cut short while still in the prime of my life.