- Dr. Kessler: My goal is to prove that the human male's psycho-sexual needs can be fully satisfied with my machine, thereby eliminating the embarrassment of rejection.
- Kelly Bundy: Do you really think that you can make *this* obsolete?
- [takes off her lab coat, wears little black dress underneath]
- Kelly Bundy: Do you care to discuss this over a moonlit stroll?
- [the Doctor is only too keen]
- [watching Bud perform in a virtual reality sex experiment]
- Sandy: Oh, I recognize this. It's foreplay.
- Dr. Kessler: Either that or he has a spastic colon.
- Bud Bundy: Oh, baby, what you do.
- Dr. Kessler: Yeah, it's his colon.
- Sandy: Let's get a second opinion.
- [to a nearby janitor]
- Sandy: Hey, Bruno. What does this look like to you?
- Bruno: Looks like I'm gonna need a bigger mop.
- Bud Bundy: Uh, look, Dr. Kessler, I don't mean to doubt your little, uh... Your little pleasure pouch here, but, see, you're dealing with a guy who's had the real thing more times than there are stars in the sky.
- Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr. Bundy.
- Al Bundy: What's up?
- Kelly Bundy: It's Bud, Dad. He hasn't showered in four days, he disappears at night, and he has no interest in the opposite sex anymore.
- Al Bundy: And the problem is?
- Kelly Bundy: Daddy, he's like that and he's not even married.
- Bud Bundy: Look Amber, I DO respect your mind. I'd just respect it even more if it would bounce gently when you walk.
- Bud Bundy: Look, Kelly, I don't need Amber, okay? I have her. Dr. Kessler introduced me to cybersex and I can create Amber any time I want.
- Kelly Bundy: But she's not the real Amber.
- Bud Bundy: Oh, oh, she's better. She does what I want, whenever I want it. You see, Kel, this is the breakthrough that men have been waiting for since the beginning of time. You know what? It looks like you and your cross-legged, "let's talk," gift-expecting, ordering-the-most-expensive-thing-on-the-menu, "what about me?" bimbo sapiens are about to be made obsolete.
- Amber: Hi, Kelly.
- Kelly Bundy: Hey, Amber, what's up?
- Amber: Your mom needs her TV Guide. She says it's in the room of broken promises.
- Kelly Bundy: Ah, that would be in her bedroom. Okay.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [flicks a switch on the side of a counter] Hey, Al, you know, I've always been meaning to ask you, what does this switch do?
- Al Bundy: I don't know. Get over here and sit down.
- [Jefferson sits next to Al]
- Al Bundy: That's your problem, you know that?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: What?
- Al Bundy: You don't know how to relax.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Mm.
- [Al looks at the switch]
- Al Bundy: What the hell does that switch do?
- Peggy Bundy: Come on, Al. Call an electrician.
- Al Bundy: I will not. Just because someone calls himself an electrician doesn't mean he knows any more about electricity than the average guy.
- Peggy Bundy: Al, are you ready to call an electrician?
- Al Bundy: I will not! I'm gonna find out what this darn switch does if it kills me AND Jefferson!
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Okay, tell us where the circuit box is.
- Bob Rooney: Outside.
- Al Bundy: Aha!
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Heh heh heh heh! Thank God for Bob Rooney.
- Al Bundy: We could have been inside for days.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Guys, please call an electrician.
- Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Al Bundy: WE WILL NOT!
- Peggy Bundy: Al, there is not an eyebrow left among you. Please call someone.
- Al Bundy: I will not. All we have to do, Peg, is find out where the last few of these wires go and I can start my vacation anew.
- Peggy Bundy: And what about Bob Rooney? You know, he's been missing for two days.
- Al Bundy: Bob Rooney's not missing. Right, Bob Rooney?
- Bob Rooney: [from inside the wall] Right, Al!
- Al Bundy: See? He's in the wall.
- Peggy Bundy: He is stuck in our house, Al.
- Al Bundy: Like he's the only one.
- [Al sneaks downstairs]
- Peggy Bundy: [from upstairs] Al, you better not be fooling with that switch again.
- Al Bundy: [quietly] I'm not, pookie.
- [looks at the switch]
- Al Bundy: What the hell does this thing do?
- [as Al flicks the switch, the light in Buck's doghouse outside flicks on and off]
- Buck: Man, I gotta find out where the switch to this light is.
- Bud Bundy: Kelly, guess what? I've been chosen to do a research project on human behavior.
- Kelly Bundy: So, where do you fit in?
- Bud Bundy: Well, unlike you, in the front seat of a car. That's another story. The point is they're paying me three hundred bucks. Which should earn me first class passage on the old Amber Airline.
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, like she's really knocking down the door to see you after your little movie theater popcorn trick.
- Amber: [at the door] Hi, Bud.
- [walks in]
- Amber: Hi, Kelly.
- Kelly Bundy: Hi, Amber, what's up?
- Amber: Your Mom needs her TV Guide. She says it's in the room of broken promises.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, that would be in her bedroom. Okay.
- [goes off to fetch]