- Elfrida Molfrey: [Barnaby has influenced Elfrida and Bunny to get rid of their marijuana plants] You really are a most charming and gracious man, and if I were forty years younger, I'd take a real flyer at you!
- D.C.I. Barnaby: If you were forty years younger, Miss Molfrey, I'd charge you with supplying cannabis.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You really don't have a soft pedal when it comes to the English language, do you, Troy?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [holding a coconut] This is a very moving moment for me, George. It's the first time in my life I've ever won anything. Thank you.
- Dr. Bullard: It'll be rotten inside, I guarantee.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You are just jealous because I'ave got a coconut and you haven't.
- Joyce Barnaby: It seems the only honest people in Morton Fendle are Bunny and Elfrida.
- Cully Barnaby: Apart from their draw, that is.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. What?
- Cully Barnaby: The marijuana. He grows it in the greenhouse. What they don't smoke themselves he puts in the Bunny cakes.
- [pause]
- Cully Barnaby: I thought you knew and were turning a blind eye.
- [DCI Barnaby and Sgt. Troy are discussing the case while Troy is driving]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'll tell you what does frighten me though.
- Sergeant Troy: What's that?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Your driving has improved. I saw you look in the mirror.
- Gray Patterson: Why are you here, Inspector?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Alan Hollingsworth. Yesterday you threatened to kill him.
- Gray Patterson: It's just words. Heat of the moment.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: That's when most murders occur.
- Nigel Anderson: Prithee, sweet maid, dost thou wish to partake of a beef burger?
- Cully Barnaby: Um, actually...
- Doreen Anderson: Perchance a veggie burger is more to thy taste. And you, kind sir, a dog of the hot variety. Yonder at the barbecue.
- Nigel Anderson: Two sovereigns apiece.
- Cully Barnaby: Gadzooks.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What line of business were you in?
- Harry Vellacott: Have a guess. I'm overweight. I drink too much. I smoke too much. I eat too much. I'm divorced and the kids don't want to know me. A jaundiced view of human nature. You're right, I was a copper.
- Sergeant Troy: [after leaving Gray Patterson's house] I hate blokes like that. Silver spoon in his gob. Gregorio Falloni under his armpits.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What?
- Sergeant Troy: Deodorant. 80 quid a bottle.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What did you do think of that room?
- Sergeant Troy: Poncey.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No school photos. No pictures with mum and dad. That is a man trying to lose his past. And if it's any help, he's no more of a toff than you are.
- Sergeant Troy: Grew up on the streets, did he?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah, where else did he learn how to separate people from their money?
- Sergeant Troy: Or women from their husbands.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [after ingesting the Bunny cakes] You know, 10 minutes in your company and I feel... better. That's the only way to describe it, better.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Nevertheless, we can forget it all happened. For a price.
- Gray Patterson: What?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: More, of course, than you offered Cath Bullard to push your plans.
- Gray Patterson: I never did any such thing!
- D.C.I. Barnaby: She's my friend. I believe her. Or perhaps it was of those heat of the moment things again.
- Gray Patterson: Yeah well, now that you come to mention it...
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Unlike the threat you made, which to me sounded very prepared.
- Sergeant Troy: If people don't get what's due them, others get hurt. You have such a lovely face. I'm sure you want to keep it.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Any man who says that to a woman is either desperate, or downright evil. Which are you?
- Sergeant Troy: They've already found it, empty.
- Nigel Anderson: Then he's paid up.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Either that or you took the money after you killed him.
- Nigel Anderson: No, no, no. I only wanted 1,500. My job was on the line. The money was borrowed, you see.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Borrowed?
- Nigel Anderson: From the brewery.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, Nigel, you nicked it from the till. Oh, good god. From pompous ass to petty thief just like that, eh?
- Sergeant Troy: [about to go in through a suspect's window] Shouldn't we have a warrant for this?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes, we should. You first. I'll hold your coat.
- Sergeant Troy: No tears, your friend Felicity.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What do you mean, 'my friend'?
- Sergeant Troy: I thought you liked her.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Where was she when Brenda was killed, huh?
- Sergeant Troy: Shopping, she says. Her old man was gardening.
- [pause]
- Sergeant Troy: No, women don't kill their daughters, do they?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You mean you wish they didn't.
- Sergeant Troy: Yeah, she did grass on her husband. Off-loaded them both.
- [last lines]
- Sergeant Troy: [answers phone] Hello. Just a sec. Sir?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What?
- Sergeant Troy: Sarah Lawton.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Who?
- Sergeant Troy: Sarah Lawton. Do you remember? She wants to talk to you.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Hello.
- [smiles]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: How have they been getting on lately, Alan and Simone?
- Elfrida Molfrey: Oh, Inspector. We don't listen in keyholes.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, come on, Miss Molfrey, of course you do.
- Cully Barnaby: Hey, Dad. That old lady over there, the mutton dressed as lamb, do you know her?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: That's a terrible thing to say, even though it's true. No, I don't.
- Cully Barnaby: No, she's that actress, Elfrida somebody. You know, come on. What's her name?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You waited until Ms. Molfrey was safely asleep and then you let yourself into Alan's house.
- Sarah Lawton: How did I manage to get in? Did I break down a door, or did I use a kitchen window like the police do?
- Sergeant Troy: [Holds up a key in a clear bag] The key to the back door. Simone's key. I found it amongst your underwear.
- Simone Hollingsworth: Hmmmph.
- Sergeant Troy: Strange place to keep it.
- Sarah Lawton: Strange place to look for it.
- Sergeant Troy: [watching the Hollingsworth house and sees Cully visiting Elfrida Molfrey] Oh, if you weren't the governor's daughter.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm going to clean up that cesspit known as Morton Fendle. I'll have that Gray Patterson for starters, for bribing Cathy Bullard.
- Joyce Barnaby: She seems fine about it now.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, okay then. Reg Buckley, hm, for skimming the milk fund to buy 3,000 pounds worth of hi-fi.
- Cully Barnaby: 3,000?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: 3,000. You know what ours cost?
- Joyce Barnaby: 432 pounds.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: 432 pounds from Comet. Now what can he hear that I can't, huh?
- Cully Barnaby: So you don't think Reg has been punished enough for losing his daughter? Depends on your view of daughters, I suppose.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, at least let me have the Andersons. If self-importance is not a crime, it should be. Plus, they had their fingers in the till.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Troy] Get in touch with the Fraud Squad and see if they're interested in a fiddle in Morton Fendle.
- Dr. Bullard: I thought I should let you know, Nigel Anderson, our local wooden spoon, has called a meeting lunch time today, his pub.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh? What's the agenda?
- Dr. Bullard: How can those who put money into the mill project get it back.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes. I can tell you the answer to that right now, they won't.
- Dr. Bullard: What do you mean we won't?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh. Not you, too, George. How are the mighty shafted.
- [to Troy]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Hold it, mon frere. I think we should go to that meeting.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Simone and Gray Patterson. Is there anything in that?
- Elfrida Molfrey: If I were 50 years younger, she wouldn't have stood a chance.