- Man: Look, this isn't an argument.
- Other Man: Yes it is.
- Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
- Other Man: No it isn't.
- Man: It is.
- Other Man: It is not.
- Man: Look, you contradicted me.
- Other Man: I did not.
- Man: Oh you did.
- Other Man: No, no, no.
- Man: You did just then.
- Other Man: Nonsense.
- Man: Oh, this is futile.
- Other Man: No it isn't.
- Man: I came here for a good argument.
- Other Man: No, you didn't. No, you came here for an argument.
- Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
- Other Man: It can be.
- Man: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
- Other Man: No it isn't.
- Man: Yes it is. It's not just contradiction.
- Other Man: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
- Man: But that's not just saying, "No it isn't."
- Other Man: Yes it is.
- Man: No it isn't. An argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
- Other Man: No it isn't.
- Man: Yes it is.
- Other Man: Not at all.
- Man: Now look...
- Other Man: [bell rings] Good morning.
- Man: What?
- Other Man: That's it. Good morning.
- Man: It was just getting interesting.
- Other Man: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
- Man: That was never five minutes.
- Man: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
- Other Man: I just paid.
- Man: No you didn't.
- Other Man: I did! I did! I did!
- Man: No you didn't.
- Other Man: Now I don't want to argue about that!
- Man: I'm sorry, you haven't paid.
- Other Man: Ah ha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you.
- Man: No you haven't.
- Other Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
- Man: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
- Other Man: I've had enough of this.
- Man: No you haven't.
- Other Man: Oh shut up!
- Inspector Fox: I'm charging you under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
- Man: What?
- Inspector Fox: You are hereby charged where you did willfully take part in a strange sketch. That is a skit, spoof, or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature, with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British public.
- Inspector Thompson's Gazelle: Now I'm 'arrestin' this entire show on three counts: One, acts of self-conscious behavior contrary to the "Not in front of the children' Act, Two, always saying "It's so-and-so of the Yard" every time the fuzz arrives and, Three, and this is the cruncher, offences against the "Getting Out of Sketches Without Using a Proper Punchline Act" Act, Four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.
- Man: I'd like to have an argument, please.
- Argument Secretary: Certainly, sir, have you been here before?
- Man: No. This will be my first time.
- Argument Secretary: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument or were you thinking of taking a course?
- Man: Well, what is the cost?
- Argument Secretary: Well, it's £1 for a five minute argument, but only £8 for a course of ten.
- Man: Well, I think it would be best if I started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
- Argument Secretary: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment. Mr. Bakley's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, try Mr. Barnard, room 12.