- Ben: Look, if you're mature enough to have sex, then you're mature enough to lie about it, OK? Just tell your mother it didn't happen.
- Michael: You want me to pretend nothing happened even though I'm proud of it?
- Ben: Yeah.
- Michael: You're asking me to give up my manhood.
- Ben: [Thinks] That's what being a man is all about.
- Michael: You're not making any sense, Dad.
- Ben: That's what being a man is all about, too.
- [first lines]
- Nick Harper: [positions package on table] OK. All right, Dad. Look.
- Ben: Well, Nick, that's, that's so... um, uh, aw! You shouldn't have. That's, that's really...
- Nick Harper: It's well wrapped, isn't it?
- Ben: Yes. Yes, it's well wrapped. Yes. You didn't have to buy me a good luck present.
- Nick Harper: I didn't.
- Ben: It's the salt, Nick, it's the salt.
- Susan: What's this? English for 'the stupid'?
- Ben: Nick's wrapped the salt-celler.
- Nick Harper: Trying to be a wrapping artist. Like the great Christo. Y'know, he wraps up huge monuments for art to elicit emotional response.
- Ben: Like irritation?
- Abi Harper: If cows sleep standing up and sit down when it rains, what do they do if it rains while they're sleeping?
- Susan: [Stands in silence]
- Abi Harper: I know! It is a real brain-teaser!
- Abi Harper: How many fingers am I holding up?
- Susan: Abi, I can't see!
- Abi Harper: I'll give you a clue: it's between one and three!
- Susan: Oh, for God's sake!
- Abi Harper: Don't feel so bad. It was two.
- Abi Harper: Maybe I should ring Ben and let him know.
- Susan: No, no, Abi! No, Abi! You mustn't! If he finds out my response to seeing Michael in bed with a girl was to get hysterical blindness, then he'll think I responded... hysterically.
- Susan: I don't want him thinking I'm an uptight reactionary just because my eyes are prudish.
- Abi Harper: Your eyes aren't prudish. They're more periwinkle blue.
- Susan: For God's sakes, Nick, stop moving the furniture!
- Nick Harper: It's not furniture! It's art!
- Susan: It's cack!
- Nick Harper: The problem with you, mum, is you've got no vision.
- [laughs after realising she is blind]
- Nick Harper: Sorry!
- Abi Harper: Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable: your messy room! She didn't see the girl you had up there, though!
- Susan: Yes, I did. But you know, I'm cool with that.
- Michael: Oh, right! So, cool, you've gone blind? You're so selfish!
- Nick Harper: Hey, mate! Do you not feel bad that you've made mum go blind, alright? Yeah? Because the important thing is... YOU SCORED! GET IN! YEAH!
- Woman Juror 1: And this is the eldest son - he's got a lovely head of hair. Just like my Kenny's - before the burglary.
- Ben: Can we move this along, please?
- Joanna: No, no, no. Let's hear what she has to say.
- Woman Juror 1: That was it.
- Abi Harper: Oh, Susan, you're wonderful! You never let anything get you down!
- Susan: Thank you, dear.
- Abi Harper: I can't wait to see what you do when you're dead!
- Ben: This can't go on! I've got a wife who's hysterically blind, a son who's hysterically stupid...
- Susan: I'm not hysterically blind! I might have been for a moment, but now my sight has come back!
- Ben: Oh, really?
- [Holds up a clock]
- Ben: So, what time is it?
- Susan: 10.30.
- Ben: Guess again.
- Susan: ...-ish.
- Susan: I caught Michael in bed with a girl!
- Ben: That's fan- really?
- Susan: Yes, yes! Really!
- Ben: [Cheering to himself] Yes! Yes!
- Susan: He's 16!
- Ben: It's fun! It's legal!
- Susan: Huh! Legal! One day in a jury room and you're talking like Rumpole of the bloody Bailey!
- Ben: Susan, I had plenty of experience when I was 16.
- Susan: With someone other than yourself?
- Ben: [On being overlooked for head juror] This is outrageous!
- Joanna: Will you let us proceed?
- Ben: No, I will not! I'm an experienced medical professional, former Boy Scout and member of the Tufty Club! I've a wide knowledge of John Grisham novels and repeat viewings of LA Law and Kavanagh QC! Therefore, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think you will all agree that I should...
- Joanna: Sit down!
- Ben: Thank you.
- Joanna: Now, has everyone reached a verdict?
- Ben: Yep! Guilty as hell!
- Joanna: What? Edwin Taylor's a freedom fighter!
- Ben: Edwin Taylor is a smelly git who was sacked for refusing to wash!
- Joanna: He's a hero for our time! He didn't want to pollute the water table with detergents! Here is a man with strong beliefs!
- Ben: And BO to match! God, he smells like a wet collie smothered in cowpats! Did you see his barrister in court? He kept stuffing the ends of his wig up his nose!
- Joanna: Edwin Taylor should not have been in the dock! What he did was justifiable sabotage!
- Ben: He put a rotting haddock in the heating system!
- Joanna: Because he'd been wrongfully dismissed!
- Ben: Because he refused to wash!
- Joanna: Because he wanted to protect the environment!
- Ben: Ah! Don't his workmates have rights? Hmm? Don't they have rights to be protected from sitting next to Mr Stinky Poo Pong from Smellbad City?
- Joanna: So, you don't believe in freedom of expression?
- Ben: Yes, I do! I also believe in your right to remain silent - so use it!
- Abi Harper: [With Nick, staring at a paper bag with food in it] It brings to mind the nullity of human existence. It moves me. I think it's your best work yet.
- Michael: Actually, it's my lunch.
- Nick Harper: Plagiarist!
- Susan: The tour was a disaster! We were supposed to go to the British Museum!
- Nick Harper: Marks & Spencer's very similar.
- Susan: Even Canadians know the difference between the Rosetta Stone and a three-pack of knickers! Then instead of the Tower of London, we went to Tower Records!
- Nick Harper: Tower, Tower!
- Abi Harper: It's an easy mistake to make!
- Nick Harper: Exactly! Any golden labrador would have done the same!
- Susan: If that weren't enough, when we picnicked in Hyde Park, he chased a squirrel up a tree!
- Nick Harper: That squirrel had it coming!
- Susan: I'm sick of bumping into furniture and spilling tea and putting eyeshadow on my lips!
- Abi Harper: You get used to it after a bit!