The Nanny (TV Series)

The Nanny-in-Law (1994)

Charles Shaughnessy: Maxwell Sheffield

Quotes 

• [the doorbell rings] 

  Maxwell Sheffield : Niles, that's the doorbell.

  Niles : Oh sir, I would be lost without you.

• Fran Fine : [about Nanny Mueller]  She hates my guts.

  Maxwell Sheffield : Oh, I wouldn't say that. No, it's just that you... Well, you are somewhat of a of an acquired taste...

  [pause to think] 

  Maxwell Sheffield : Like sushi.

  Fran Fine : Sushi. Leave it to the Japanese to invent a restaurant where you don't have to cook. And we wonder why we're behind.

• C.C. Babcock : There's something positively delightful about this evening. I can't quite put my finger on it.

  Niles : Where's Miss Fine?

  C.C. Babcock : [Smirking]  Oh, that's it.

  Fran Fine : [Entering the room, wearing a traditional nanny suit]  I'm sorry I'm late, but it's hell finding white shoes in winter. The hat was easy, Howard Johnson's...

  [Everybody stares at her, mouth open] 

  Fran Fine : Children, it's not polite to stare.

  Maxwell Sheffield : Miss Fine, you... you look like a... a...

  Clara Mueller : [Stunned]  nanny!

  Maxwell Sheffield : [to Nanny Mueller]  Yes, that's it! I just didn't put it together.

  Fran Fine : I don't want to disturb you. I just thought I'd take my dinner and eat it in the kitchen,

  [stiffly] 

  Fran Fine : where I belong.

  Maxwell Sheffield : Miss Fine, please don't be so silly. Come and join us.

  Fran Fine : No, no. The kitchen is where a proper nanny eats.

  [to Maggie still staring at her] 

  Fran Fine : Maggie, shut your mouth. We are not a Pez dispenser.

  [Walks out of the room with a quick bow] 

  C.C. Babcock : [Exulting, with a haughty voice]  Nanny Mueller, it's amazing what you've done with Miss Fine!

  Clara Mueller : Oh, that's nothing. I had a Schnauzer once that gave me more trouble.

  Maxwell Sheffield : [Shocked]  Nanny, are you comparing Miss Fine to a dog?

  Clara Mueller : Not at all. Schnauzer had a pedigree.

  [C.C. bursts into laughter] 

• Fran Fine : Oy, were all you blue bloods raised by nannies? What were your parents doing?

  Maxwell Sheffield , C.C. Babcock : [Together, realizing they never thought of that]  I don't really know./I have no idea.

• Fran Fine : I'm so excited we're gonna get to meet Mister Sheffield's nanny. He must have been so cute as a baby in his little pram with his little silver pacifier and his little three-piece diaper.

  Niles : Oh yes, he was a little stinker. I remember his first word:

  [Imitating baby Maxwell with a high-pitched voice] 

  Niles : Niles!

  Maxwell Sheffield : [Looking for Niles]  Niles!

  Fran Fine : We're gonna have to work on his vocabulary.

• Fran Fine : I really wanna talk to you about your Nanny Mueller.

  Maxwell Sheffield : Is there a problem?

  Fran Fine : Well, it's just that it gets a little confusing for the kids when I say one thing and she says another.

  Maxwell Sheffield : Such as?

  Fran Fine : Oh, you know, I say tomato, she says tomata. I say potato, she says...

• Maxwell Sheffield : [about Nanny Mueller]  What am I gonna do?

  Fran Fine : Well, this is just off the top of my head, but why don't we run this up a flagpole? Tell her to leave.

  Maxwell Sheffield : I can't just turn her out. She raised me for heaven sakes! I feel so guilty. Oh, you wouldn't understand.

  Fran Fine : I wouldn't understand guilt? My people invented it! But we made up for it with the Salk vaccine and Streisand.

• Maxwell Sheffield : [Niles is leaning against the dresser, staring into space, after a night of passion with Nanny Mueller]  Niles, coffee.

  Niles : [Exhausted voice]  Oh, thank you, sir. I could use a cup.

  [Realizing] 

  Niles : Oh, sorry.

  Clara Mueller : Oh, good morning, everyone.

  Fran Fine : Morning.

  Clara Mueller : Niles...

  Niles : Nanny Mueller... How did you sleep?

  Clara Mueller : Like a little baby. And you?

  Niles : Quite well.

  Maxwell Sheffield : [Exasparated]  I think we all slept very well.

  Fran Fine : Actually, I didn't. I kept hearing things that go bump in the night.

  [Niles and Nanny Mueller stare nervously] 

  Clara Mueller : [Niles serves Nanny Mueller with coffee]  Thank you, Niles. I'm famished.

  Fran Fine : [With a mischievous smile]  The woman is insatiable.

  [Nanny Mueller glances at her] 

  Clara Mueller : [Patronizingly]  I see you're back at table, and out of uniform, Miss Fine. Maxwell, you might want a word with her.

  Fran Fine : [Imitating Nanny Mueller's German accent]  I think he wants a word with you.

  [Glaring at Nanny Mueller] 

  Fran Fine : Mister Sheffield...

  Clara Mueller : [Glaring at Fran]  Maxwell...

  Maxwell Sheffield : Yes, well... Nanny your visit has been wonderful, but like all good things...

  Clara Mueller : Oh, yes, Maxwell, I never been so happy since the day that you fell in the duck pond. I pull you out, I breathe life back into your little limp body. Oh... Now what you want to tell me?

  Maxwell Sheffield : Oh, uh, look at the time. I've got a tennis game. Excuse me.

  Fran Fine : Oh, Mister Sheffield...

  [Holding a pack of tennis balls, smirking] 

  Fran Fine : you forgot your balls..

• Maxwell Sheffield : Nanny Mueller!

  Clara Mueller : Oh, Maxwell, my liebchen. Look how handsome you've become. You're the image of your father at that age. He had a head of hair just like yours, and then one day, Kojak.