- [the doorbell rings]
- Maxwell Sheffield: Niles, that's the doorbell.
- Niles: Oh sir, I would be lost without you.
- Fran Fine: [about Nanny Mueller] She hates my guts.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Oh, I wouldn't say that. No, it's just that you... Well, you are somewhat of a of an acquired taste...
- [pause to think]
- Maxwell Sheffield: Like sushi.
- Fran Fine: Sushi. Leave it to the Japanese to invent a restaurant where you don't have to cook. And we wonder why we're behind.
- Fran Fine: [Nanny Mueller brings the kids in wearing sailor suits] Well, if it isn't the Von Trapp family.
- Fran Fine: [In the park, talking with other nannies] I mean, who does she think she is criticizing my kids? They're happy, normal kids.
- [to Grace]
- Fran Fine: Gracie, stop staring up at the sun.
- Lupe: You know, last night I found Eduardo in bed with my sister. Twenty years I've given that man.
- [Starts crying, speaking Spanish]
- Fran Fine: Lupe, Lupe, Lupe, we dealt with your problems last week. Can I get a little support here? Meanwhile, that Mueller's got those kids dressed like Huey, Louie and Dewey. And she's got the nerve to want me to wear a uniform. Like I'd be caught dead in one of those.
- [the other nannies give her a dirty look, showing they all wear a uniform]
- Fran Fine: Well, on you guys it looks great... And I guess those hairy legs are a big hit in Europe, too.
- [the nannies quickly close their coats, still glaring at Fran]
- C.C. Babcock: There's something positively delightful about this evening. I can't quite put my finger on it.
- Niles: Where's Miss Fine?
- C.C. Babcock: [Smirking] Oh, that's it.
- Fran Fine: [Entering the room, wearing a traditional nanny suit] I'm sorry I'm late, but it's hell finding white shoes in winter. The hat was easy, Howard Johnson's...
- [Everybody stares at her, mouth open]
- Fran Fine: Children, it's not polite to stare.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Miss Fine, you... you look like a... a...
- Clara Mueller: [Stunned] nanny!
- Maxwell Sheffield: [to Nanny Mueller] Yes, that's it! I just didn't put it together.
- Fran Fine: I don't want to disturb you. I just thought I'd take my dinner and eat it in the kitchen,
- [stiffly]
- Fran Fine: where I belong.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Miss Fine, please don't be so silly. Come and join us.
- Fran Fine: No, no. The kitchen is where a proper nanny eats.
- [to Maggie still staring at her]
- Fran Fine: Maggie, shut your mouth. We are not a Pez dispenser.
- [Walks out of the room with a quick bow]
- C.C. Babcock: [Exulting, with a haughty voice] Nanny Mueller, it's amazing what you've done with Miss Fine!
- Clara Mueller: Oh, that's nothing. I had a Schnauzer once that gave me more trouble.
- Maxwell Sheffield: [Shocked] Nanny, are you comparing Miss Fine to a dog?
- Clara Mueller: Not at all. Schnauzer had a pedigree.
- [C.C. bursts into laughter]
- Fran Fine: Oy, were all you blue bloods raised by nannies? What were your parents doing?
- Maxwell Sheffield, C.C. Babcock: [Together, realizing they never thought of that] I don't really know./I have no idea.
- Maggie Sheffield: [Meeting her father's nanny] I'm Maggie, Nanny Mueller.
- Clara Mueller: Well, button up, dear. If Victoria can keep her secrets, so can you.
- Fran Fine: I'm so excited we're gonna get to meet Mister Sheffield's nanny. He must have been so cute as a baby in his little pram with his little silver pacifier and his little three-piece diaper.
- Niles: Oh yes, he was a little stinker. I remember his first word:
- [Imitating baby Maxwell with a high-pitched voice]
- Niles: Niles!
- Maxwell Sheffield: [Looking for Niles] Niles!
- Fran Fine: We're gonna have to work on his vocabulary.
- Clara Mueller: [Vigourously shaking Brighton's sloppy hand] And, Brighton you call this a handshake? What are you, a man or a fish?
- Brighton Sheffield: Actually, I'm a Pisces.
- Clara Mueller: [Severely] You, young man, I will be watching.
- Fran Fine: I really wanna talk to you about your Nanny Mueller.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Is there a problem?
- Fran Fine: Well, it's just that it gets a little confusing for the kids when I say one thing and she says another.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Such as?
- Fran Fine: Oh, you know, I say tomato, she says tomata. I say potato, she says...
- Maxwell Sheffield: [about Nanny Mueller] What am I gonna do?
- Fran Fine: Well, this is just off the top of my head, but why don't we run this up a flagpole? Tell her to leave.
- Maxwell Sheffield: I can't just turn her out. She raised me for heaven sakes! I feel so guilty. Oh, you wouldn't understand.
- Fran Fine: I wouldn't understand guilt? My people invented it! But we made up for it with the Salk vaccine and Streisand.
- Maxwell Sheffield: [Niles is leaning against the dresser, staring into space, after a night of passion with Nanny Mueller] Niles, coffee.
- Niles: [Exhausted voice] Oh, thank you, sir. I could use a cup.
- [Realizing]
- Niles: Oh, sorry.
- Clara Mueller: Oh, good morning, everyone.
- Fran Fine: Morning.
- Clara Mueller: Niles...
- Niles: Nanny Mueller... How did you sleep?
- Clara Mueller: Like a little baby. And you?
- Niles: Quite well.
- Maxwell Sheffield: [Exasparated] I think we all slept very well.
- Fran Fine: Actually, I didn't. I kept hearing things that go bump in the night.
- [Niles and Nanny Mueller stare nervously]
- Clara Mueller: [Niles serves Nanny Mueller with coffee] Thank you, Niles. I'm famished.
- Fran Fine: [With a mischievous smile] The woman is insatiable.
- [Nanny Mueller glances at her]
- Clara Mueller: [Patronizingly] I see you're back at table, and out of uniform, Miss Fine. Maxwell, you might want a word with her.
- Fran Fine: [Imitating Nanny Mueller's German accent] I think he wants a word with you.
- [Glaring at Nanny Mueller]
- Fran Fine: Mister Sheffield...
- Clara Mueller: [Glaring at Fran] Maxwell...
- Maxwell Sheffield: Yes, well... Nanny your visit has been wonderful, but like all good things...
- Clara Mueller: Oh, yes, Maxwell, I never been so happy since the day that you fell in the duck pond. I pull you out, I breathe life back into your little limp body. Oh... Now what you want to tell me?
- Maxwell Sheffield: Oh, uh, look at the time. I've got a tennis game. Excuse me.
- Fran Fine: Oh, Mister Sheffield...
- [Holding a pack of tennis balls, smirking]
- Fran Fine: you forgot your balls..
- Maxwell Sheffield: Nanny Mueller!
- Clara Mueller: Oh, Maxwell, my liebchen. Look how handsome you've become. You're the image of your father at that age. He had a head of hair just like yours, and then one day, Kojak.
- Brighton Sheffield: [Imitating Nanny Mueller's german accent] Little girls should not paint the face or the fingers. We do not want to look like showg...
- Fran Fine: [Clara Mueller enters the room without Brigthon mentioning] Oh, hello, Nanny Mueller!
- Clara Mueller: [Sarcastically to blushing Brighton] Well, our little regular Hogan Hero.