- Neil: Morning. Big day today. Ethel and Frederick Crossfield, bank manager, are getting married. And I feel terrible. See, me, Harry and the lads were out on the town last night celebrating Frederick's last night as a single man. We didn't get in until five O' clock this morning, so as you can imagine, we're all feeling a bit fragile. Mind you, you know, should cheer up when we see Ethel as the bride, all in white...
- [Ethel walks up wearing a white tennis outfit]
- Harry Stern: [about his mate Trevor] I'll tell you what, that boy is so stupid! He's thick as ten loo doors!
- Ethel Davis: Thanks very much for the eh, for the party last night.
- Dawn Lodge: Oh, it was good, wasn't it?
- Ethel Davis: I do hope that bloke got home alright.
- Dawn Lodge: I think he might have been a bit chilly!
- [they giggle]
- Kim: We got to think of something old...
- Dawn Lodge: That would be Frederick.
- Ethel Davis: Thank you.
- Kim: We gotta think of something new...
- Ethel Davis: Oh, these shoes, ow!
- Kim: Something borrowed...
- Ethel Davis: That would be the morgage on the house.
- Dawn Lodge: Yeah.
- Kim: And something blue...
- Dawn Lodge: Blue...
- Ethel Davis: Blue...
- Dawn Lodge, Kim, Ethel Davis: The bathmat!
- Harry Stern: Neil, have you notices that no matter how late girls seem to go out, they always look good after a night on the binge?
- Neil: Yeah. You know why that is, don't ya?
- Harry Stern: Why?
- Neil: 'Cause they were only drinking orange juice.
- Harry Stern: Ah!
- [slight pause]
- Harry Stern: Neil?
- Neil: What?
- Harry Stern: We were only drinking orange juice.
- Kim: Ethel, aren't you worried about anything?
- Ethel Davis: Well, there is one thing I'm a bit worried about...
- Kim: What?
- Ethel Davis: Well, it... it's the honeymoon.
- Kim: Oh, that can often be an anxious time...
- Ethel Davis: Yeah, I know you're gonna think this is silly...
- Kim: No, no, go on, I'm broadminded.
- Ethel Davis: Well I, I'm very worried that we won't come back in time for the ladies singles final.
- Matthew Kelly: No, listen, I'm very good at these speeches. What you wanna do is do it like the weather forcast, you know, you say: tonight, it'll be very close with a warm front and the possibility of a little sun in the future.
- Kim: I've found you something new...
- Ethel Davis: What is that?
- Kim: A nice bit of blue cheese.
- Ethel Davis: I can't wear that!
- Neil: No, but we can eat it, can't we?
- [grabs the cheese]
- Neil: Will you stop being so negative? Listen, don't you think we owe it to Ethel to make this day a special day for her. Agreed?
- Harry Stern: Yeah.
- [Kim nods]
- Neil: Right, Harry, phone the mini cabs, Kim, you can help me with the food.
- Harry Stern: Mini cabs...
- [walks off]
- Kim: What about the horses?
- Neil: Well they can eat straw.
- Harry Stern: Great, that's the car fixed. It's gonna get here at ehm, about, half eleven, I think ten past eleven, ten to eleven, I don't know, ehm, but it's not a luxury limo, and it's not a chauffeur driven car.
- Kim: Oh?
- Harry Stern: It's in actual fact eh, a mini-mini cab.
- Kim: Mini?
- Neil: Well that doesn't sound very big?
- Kim: Don't worry about it, Ethel's just a little person...
- Harry Stern: True.
- Dawn Lodge: Harry, have you practiced giving her away yet?
- Harry Stern: Oh, yes I have, actually, I'm glad you asked me that, because, eh, well, you pretend to be Ethel.
- Dawn Lodge: Ok.
- Harry Stern: ...and I'll show you, right?
- Dawn Lodge: Ok.
- [Dawn crouches down to match Ethel's height]
- Harry Stern: We're at the church, we're going up the isle, there's the viccar, there's Crossfield, right? And we go up, smile at everyone,
- Dawn Lodge: Yeah, smile...
- Dawn Lodge: There's the viccar, there's Crossfield, and I go: 'ere!.
- [gives her a shove]
- Dawn Lodge: No, Harry, I don't think you've quite got it, something a little bit subtler.
- Harry Stern: Subtler?
- Dawn Lodge: Yeah.
- Harry Stern: Subtler. Right, ok, ehm, going down the isle, there's the viccar, there's Crossfield, I seem to have found this, is it yours?
- Dawn Lodge: I think I prefer 'ere, best.
- Kim: [Ethel is having second thoughts about marrying Frederick Crossfield] I'll tell you what, we'll draw up a list, okay? fors and against. We'll start with the against... He's fussy.
- Dawn Lodge: He's boring.
- Kim: He's gonna take Harry's room.
- Dawn Lodge: He's boring.
- Kim: He's getting old...
- Dawn Lodge: He's very boring.
- Kim: I think he's going a bit bald...
- Dawn Lodge: And he's boring.
- Kim: And he's too tall.
- Dawn Lodge: He's very, very boring.
- Ethel Davis: And I love him.
- Kim: Oh, you're getting married.
- Dawn Lodge: Yeah.
- Harry Stern: Ethel, I don't think - I don't want you to do this.
- Ethel Davis: Why?
- Harry Stern: 'Cause I don't want you to, right?
- Ethel Davis: Oh, come on, Harry, I'm not marrying you!