Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Meltdown (1991)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• [looking out a prison window, after being captured by Hitler] 

  Lister : Hang on, hang on, something's happening. Some kind of parade, or drill, but...

  The Cat : But what?

  Lister : Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looking like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon... Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. My God, there's James Last. I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.

  The Cat : What are they doing?

  Lister : They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.

  The Cat : What?

  Lister : Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.

  The Cat : They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?

  [gunfire from outside] 

  Lister : [looking shell-shocked]  That's something no-one should ever have to see.

• [looking out a prison window] 

  The Cat : What are those guys doing out there?

  Lister : They're building something.

  The Cat : What?

  Lister : Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job, like the kind you get in shopping malls.

  The Cat : What's it made of?

  Lister : Wood... its sort of an inverted "L" shape in wood.

  The Cat : Does it have a kind of... rope motif?

  Lister : There is a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah.

• The Cat : Who is this guy?

  Lister : Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother and his sister and ended up eating their son.

  The Cat : Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza.

• Lister : Rimmer, what's going on out there? Is that Mahatma Gandhi? What's he doing practising hand-to-hand combat with a nun?

  Rimmer : That's not a nun, Listy. That's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa.

• Kryten : In the normal course of things, it would take Starbug several billion years to reach it.

  Lister : That wouldn't be so bad. Rimmer could finish his Risk story.

• Rimmer : [Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids]  There are always casualties in war. If there weren't it wouldn't be war; just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing and shoving.

  Lister : How many survived?

  Rimmer : Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, round about: none of them.

  Lister : So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?

  Rimmer : You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.

  Lister : No it isn't pal, you're still here!