- Max: I saw the board in your office. I know what you're doing.
- Philip: And what am I doing?
- Max: It's isn't right to spy on your own son.
- Philip: I'm not spying. I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Is my concern for you a threat?
- Max: Do I threaten you?
- Philip: You frighten me, Max. I don't think I know who you are anymore. I'm beginning to think I've never known.
- Max: I'm your son.
- Philip: With secrets. My biggest fear is that they're terrible secrets, that you're in trouble, and I can't help.
- Max: You can't help because I'm not in trouble.
- Philip: Not in trouble? Max, if it wasn't for me you'd be rotting in jail right now. I put my reputation on the line for you and I still don't know why.
- Maria: Do we have a problem?
- Michael: No, we don't. I do.
- Maria: How can I help?
- Michael: Be patient with me.
- Maria: Always.
- Michael: Don't say it like that, like I'm a kid.
- Maria: That's not what I meant. What are you worried about? Really. What can I do?
- Michael: Tell your friend to leave. He shouldn't be here. It's not a good time.
- Maria: Not a good time? Let me ask you a question, Michael.
- Michael: Here we go.
- Maria: No, don't do that.
- Michael: You ask 'What can I do?' and I tell you.
- Maria: When is it a good time?
- Michael: To step out with an old boyfriend?
- Maria: He is not an old- Would you just-?
- Michael: Where's your patience now?
- Liz: Everything is going to be fine between you and Maria. Trust me.
- Michael: She cooked him Italian food last night.
- Liz: Oh.
- Michael: I knew it. It's a problem.
- Liz: No, it's not a problem. It's just, um, it's food.
- Michael: No, Liz. It's Italian food.
- Liz: Michael, please don't do anything stupid. Or alien! Or both! Please!
- Max: We still need your healing stone.
- Michael: I think it's at Maria's.
- Max: You think it's at Maria's?
- Michael: Yeah, I don't know. Most likely.
- Max: I bet if it was one of your Metallica CDs, you'd know where it was.
- Michael: Hey, you wanna bring that up again? The reason I got pissed is because you put "And Justice For All" before "Master of the Puppets".
- Max: Yeah, in alphabetical order.
- Michael: They go in order of the release date.
- Max: And you don't know where your healing stone is?
- Michael: Do you still wanna sleep on my couch?
- [to Maria, who in becoming a singer, will lose Micheal]
- Liz: Maybe sometimes, you have to go after your dreams. But who am I to tell you to just give him up, because without your dreams, you're just me.
- Michael: It's a pretty busy night, huh?
- Liz: Mm-hmm.
- Michael: How much money do you think we pull in on a night like tonight?
- Liz: Do you know that you really suck at small talk? Why don't you just tell Dr. Parker what's on your mind.
- Michael: Okay, tell me, do I need to be worried about this Billy guy?
- Liz: No, you don't. He's completely harmless.
- Michael: But you think he's good-looking, right?
- Liz: Well, yeah, if you like that sort of thing, I guess.
- Michael: The good-looking sort of thing?
- Liz: Michael.
- Michael: Do you really think he missed his bus?
- Liz: Yes, I do. Haven't you ever missed a bus before?
- Michael: No, because I don't take the bus. And I don't write songs. And I don't cook with freaking half-and-half!
- [makes the salt containers explode]
- Liz: Hey, Michael!
- Michael: Sorry, my powers are out of control.