- Judge Pigmeat: Good mornin', good mornin', good morning'. The judge is evil this morning'. Everybody's gonna do some time today.
- Eve Arden: My girlfriend is planning a nice, quiet wedding. Her father is putting a silencer on the shotgun.
- Goldie Hawn: I don't think it's fair calling Lyndon Johnson a "lame duck" President. He can't help it if he walks that way.
- Judy Carne: Oh, you should have been in my neighborhood last night. We had a grass fire. You would've loved it.
- Jo Anne Worley: I met the most divine man at a party last week, but he's married. So, I guess I'll have to wait a few months.
- [laughs]
- Ruth Buzzi: The phone company can't help it if they don't have any competition to keep them on their toes.