- Roger Moore: I'm Roger Moore. I'm known as "The Saint."
- Dick Martin: I'm Dick Martin. I'm known as "The Sinner."
- Phyllis Diller: Have you ever traveled third class on the Burbank airline?
- Dick Martin: I'd rather walk!
- Phyllis Diller: Aha! That's third class.
- Phyllis Diller: I was gonna play the lead in a nudie movie, 'til I found out it was called I Am Curious, Wrinkled.
- Henry Gibson: Are you in favor of busing children to different schools?
- Pamela Rodgers: Oh, no! I think they should go to the same school every day!
- Phyllis Diller: All my new hairpieces are driving Fang to drink. Every time I flip my wig, he pops his cork.
- Phyllis Diller: Boy, if you want to read some dirty books, just come over to my house. It's been so long since I dusted the shelves, even Heidi is filthy!
- Dick Martin: My brother-in-law believes the truth will set you free. He told his wife the truth and she set him free.