- Dan Rowan: Ladies and gentlemen, in our audience tonight we are honored to have one of the greatest names in comedy: Milton Berle.
- Dick Martin: And I'm sure that if we give him a big round of applause, he'll be willing to sit down.
- Announcer: On this day in history, 1937, Perth, Australia completely disappeared for nearly 24 hours. A criminal in Sydney was apprehended the next day on a charge of Perth snatching.
- Arte Johnson: Every morning I wake up and I touch my shoes 25 times.
- Dan Rowan: No fooling.
- Arte Johnson: Then I get out of bed and I put them on.
- Lily Tomlin: Listen, if you wanna, if you wanna wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, go to bed at night with a coathanger in your mouth.
- Lily Tomlin: You know the President felt we couldn't afford the money for a Health and Education program, so he vetoed the bill. As simple as A-B-M.
- Parson: They say the church may have to start paying taxes soon. Oh well... the Lord giveth and the government taketh away.
- Alan Sues: Do you know that artist models earn ten dollars an hour just sitting around naked? I do think that's exorbitant!... But I need the money desperately.
- Dan Rowan: Teresa, did you hear the government has spent, in the past two years, 28 million dollars renting buildings in Vietnam?
- Teresa Graves: My goodness! Listen, if we just stop paying the rent, maybe we can get evicted.
- Charlie: Got a letter from old Harry yesterday.
- Old Hippie: Good old Heavy Harry. Haven't seen him in twenty years. What's he doing?
- Charlie: Twenty years.
- Alan Sues: [about Jo Anne] Vicious woman!
- Milton Berle: She's a dear... I can't wait till the hunting season opens.
- Dick Martin: How come Milton doesn't interrupt you?
- Dan Rowan: I had a deal worked out.
- Unle Miltie: I only interrupt the straight men.
- Dan Rowan: That was the deal.
- superimposed writing on screen: Lloyd Bridges... don't cross... Joan Rivers
- Lily Tomlin: What happens when a human body is immersed in water?
- Pamela Rodgers: Well, usually the phone rings.
- Mickey Rooney: So, she said to me, "Why don't you do what Governor Reagan did?" And I said, "What, get into politics?" And she said, "No, get out of showbiz."
- Parson: Young lady, have you no scruples?
- Busty Woman: Ohh, what kind of language is that from a parson?
- Edgar Bergen: Charlie, how do you like being on Laugh-In?
- Charlie McCarthy: Well, it's kind of like being on the Titanic.
- Edgar Bergen: Why do you say that?
- Charlie McCarthy: I'm getting a sinking feeling.
- Milton Berle: Now, let's get this straight. I never stole one single joke.
- Henry Gibson: You're right, Milton Berle. You stole thousands.
- Milton Berle: You know, if my wife Ruth knew I was here, she'd really be angry. She thinks I'm in Tijuana getting loaded.
- Lily Tomlin: [eating a chip] This is a terrific dip. I wonder what it's made of.
- Alan Sues: Mostly cigarette butts, sweetheart. That's the ashtray.
- Pamela Rodgers: Well, last night my boyfriend finally popped the question, but I said, "No, not til we're married!"
- Dick Martin: I know a girl who has a million dollar figure.
- Dan Rowan: You don't say.
- Dick Martin: But the top half is counterfeit.