- Goldie Hawn: I will accept your tiny gift on behalf of all of me. And I'd like to thank all the little people who stood in my way before I pushed them aside.
- Dan Rowan: Good evening, I'm Dan Rowan, filling in for Dick Martin.
- Dick Martin: Good evening, he's Dan Rowan, filling in for Dick Martin, and so am I.
- Dennis Allen: Scientists...
- [adjusts his tie]
- Dennis Allen: naughty naughty... have just announced that they have just created a man-made gene.
- Ruth Buzzi: That's nothing, Dennis.
- Dennis Allen: What?
- Ruth Buzzi: Johnny Cash made a boy named Sue.
- Little Girl: Daddy, daddy I only have two cavities!
- Mr Schlosser: Oh, how charming. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a couple more.
- Barbara Sharma: Goldie, I've seen all your movies.
- Goldie Hawn: Well now, I've only made two movies: I've made Cactus Flower and Girl in my Soup.
- Barbara Sharma: Gee, they're the only ones I missed.
- [starts to move off]
- Barbara Sharma: But I missed them three times.
- [goes, comes back]
- Barbara Sharma: Each.
- Ruth Buzzi: Are you really Superman?
- Alan Sues: Are you kidding? I just mugged some guy in a phone booth.
- Goldie Hawn: You know what, Wolfgang?
- German Soldier: What?
- Goldie Hawn: I never told you this before, but I think you're cute. Very cute, I like you.
- German Soldier: I like you too, Gilda.
- Goldie Hawn: No, it's not Gilda, It's Goldie. Goldie Hawn.
- German Soldier: Oh Hawn? Say, you know, I knew your brother, Atilla.
- Goldie Hawn: [they laugh] Atilla was a Hun.
- German Soldier: Well you're kind of a sweetie yourself.
- Goldie Hawn: [after getting splashed with water] Oh, George! For a minute, I thought you guys had changed!
- Dan Rowan: You know, Goldie, talking to you has always caused me a great deal of consternation.
- Goldie Hawn: You know, bicarbonate of soda is good for that.
- Southern Belle: I will never forget that great day when my daddy freed his slaves. Yeah. I think it was last Thursday.
- Goldie Hawn: Do you realize that if Abe Lincoln were alive today, they would have to tear down the Lincoln Memorial?
- Johnny Brown: My uncle bought an Abbie Hoffman watch. Now, the only thing wrong with it is, it keeps getting busted.