- Elvis Presley: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember: it's a business first.
- Ringo Starr: Hm, that's what I said.
- Paul McCartney: Quiet up, Ringo, Elvis is talking.
- Weekend Update Anchor: [screen shows photograph of Dan Quayle holding up a pumpkin] Well. Here's an Update quiz: what's the difference between these two spherical objects? The answer is, eventually the one on the left will have a light in it. Sorry, Dan. Oh, you make it so damn easy.
- Don Winston: Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you've noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It's true. And you know why, don't you? It's because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there's the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh?
- General Custer: Hello, Chief!
- Crazy Horse: Hello, General!
- General Custer: Call me George.
- Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.