- Weekend Update Anchor: Well, First Lady Hillary Clinton visited a Philadelphia hospital this week and took time to sign a cast on a woman's leg. We blew up the photo to see what Mrs. Clinton wrote. It says: "Stay away from Bill, or I'll break your other leg too!"
- Chris Farley: I think we've got time for one more question. Eh... uhm... remember when you were in The Beatles? And, uh, you did that, uhm... album Abbey Road, and, eh... at the very end of the song, it, eh, the the song goes, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"? You.. you remember that?
- Paul McCartney: Yes.
- Chris Farley: Uh... is that true?
- Paul McCartney: Yes... Yes, Chris. In my experience, it is. I find, the more you give, the more you get.
- [Farley points at Paul and mouths "Awesome!"]
- Lucy: But why you haven't you go- you called me for the last three weeks?
- Todd: I've been! I did last night, it was busy for three hours!
- Lucy: I've got call-waiting...
- Todd: I know! That's why I was so freaked out!
- Lucy: Wow, that is weird.
- Todd: I was scared, that's why I came over!
- Lucy: You didn't come over?
- Todd: Yes I did, I banged on the door!
- Lucy: I don't have a door, I have a gate.
- Todd: I know, I cut my hand on it!
- Lucy: There is no cut!
- Todd: I know, it healed, that's what I'm trying to tell you!
- Alistair Reems: So please, please, be forewarned. If the idea of nubile young women running around in nothing but knee-high boots and pointy helmets with chinstraps offends you, then don't watch. But for the rest of you, we are pleased to present: Naked Woman Theatre's production of "All Quiet on the Western Front." However, viewers in other parts of the country will see instead: "Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley."