Cold Open: "Dan Rather" plays an alternate translation of a Bin Laden video where he describes push back from the hijackers. Ellen insists she really loves New York City. Says she "really isn't gay" but only said she was at a party at Mario Van Peebles' house to impress the guests. Marty and Bobbi Culp make an appearance at the Oakhurst Mall doing a Holiday tribute to "Jason Crisp" to remain irreligious and satisfy mall management expectations. Through body puppets on either side of her, DeGeneres becomes the 3 Wise Men and the group pairing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and Pink's "Get the Party Started," "Do You Hear What I Hear?" and "Let Me Blow Ya Mind," "We Three Kings" and "Ride Wit Me", "The First Noel" and Mary J. Blige's "Family Affair." A family of four's road trip skiing weekend becomes a nightmare of wondering if the stove wasn't left on, the back door is locked, etc. No Doubt performs "Hey Baby" and "Hella Good." Robert Smigel's video is "The Narrator that Ruined Christmas", an alternate "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
—calcaylor