- Marge Simpson: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police.
- [Several police officers exchange gunfire with Robert Downey, Jr]
- Bart Simpson: I don't see any cameras.
- Homer Simpson: Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
- Marge Simpson: Were you or Lenny ever named "Sexiest Man Alive"?
- Homer Simpson: Hmmm... I'm not certain about Lenny...
- Homer Simpson: Movies aren't stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny.
- Mel Gibson: That really wasn't my intention.
- Homer Simpson: Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.
- Marge Simpson: It's true. He does.
- Mel Gibson: Do movies mean that much to you, Homer?
- Homer Simpson: They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family.
- [to Marge and the kids]
- Homer Simpson: No offense.
- Edward Christian: You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than "Godfather III."
- Mel Gibson: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back.
- Homer Simpson: Ah-ah-ah! Now, here's your biggest problem of all!
- Mel Gibson: The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite!
- Homer Simpson: And it was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action. And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.
- Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
- Homer: How old are you, anyway?
- Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
- Homer: Sorry I asked.
- Marge Simpson: Hey! We never opened that envelope to see what our free gift is.
- Homer Simpson: We didn't? That's odd. Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place.
- Marge Simpson: I know, but we didn't.
- Homer Simpson: [reaches for the envelope] Well, here it is. So we can open it and find out now.
- Marge Simpson: Perfect!
- Homer Simpson: [opens it] Aw, movie tickets! That hardly seems worth destroying a car!
- Mel Gibson: Thanks for coming, folks, and don't be afraid to be completely honest when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business.
- Edward Christian: Who are you, anyway?
- Homer Simpson: Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you?
- Mel Gibson: Executive producer?
- Homer Simpson: We'll talk.
- [Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
- Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.
- Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.
- Mel Gibson: Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home.
- Homer Simpson: Uh, uh, uh. Now here's your biggest problem of all.
- Mel Gibson: The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite.
- Homer Simpson: And it was fine for the 1930s; the country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now,in whatever year this is, the audience wants action.And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.
- Edward Christian: With me tonight are the dynamic duo Williams Milo and Robin Hannah, who greenlighted all of Shaquille O'Neal's movies including "Kazaam"!
- [calls up to them]
- Edward Christian: How's the popcorn, guys?
- Robin Hannah, William Milo: Needs salt!