- Homer Simpson: [pressing "play" on the answering machine] Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.
- Allan Sherman: [sings] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?
- Homer Simpson: I figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for 3 months!
- Bart Simpson: Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to hell!
- Marge Simpson: Bart!
- Homer Simpson: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
- Bart Simpson: It's the coolest video game ever!
- Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
- Bart Simpson: Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.
- Homer Simpson: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.
- [pause]
- Homer Simpson: Well, good night.
- Don Brodka: [Jabbing his finger in Bart's chest] I thought I told you, don't return for busted merchandise.
- Homer Simpson: What are you doing to my son?
- Don Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
- Marge Simpson: That's crazy. Bart's not a shoplifter, he's just a little boy.
- Don Brodka: Oh, sure, now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But someday, he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and - and quarries.
- Marge Simpson: My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.
- Homer: Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies, for fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects.
- [makes some sound effects and laughs to himself]
- Homer: Where was I? Oh, yeah: stay out of my booze.
- Bart Simpson: Mom, I'm really sorry.
- Marge Simpson: [in an emotionless tone] I know you are.
- Bart Simpson: Is there anything I can do?
- Marge Simpson: I don't know.
- [pause]
- Marge Simpson: Why don't you go to bed?
- Bart Simpson: Okay.
- [as Bart thinks about stealing a copy of "Bonestorm", he imagines various video game characters while weighing up his options]
- Luigi: Go ahead-a, Bart. Take the Bonestorm!
- Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
- Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much!
- Lee Carvallo: Don't do it, son. How's that game going to help your putting?
- Sonic the Hedgehog: [running around] JUST TAKE IT! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT... TAKE IT!
- Don Brodka: That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents!
- [dials the phone]
- Don Brodka: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but... well, try and have a merry Christmas.
- [hangs up]
- Don Brodka: They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right.
- Lee Carvallo: Welcome to "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge". I am Carvallo. Now, choose a club. You have chosen a... 3-Wood. May I suggest a putter? 3-Wood. Now, enter the force of your swing. I suggest... "feather touch". You have entered "POWER DRIVE". Now, push 7-8-7 to swing. Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected "No."
- Don Brodka: Hey, kid; one more thing. If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce?
- [Bart looks confused]
- Don Brodka: Well, do you understand?
- Bart Simpson: Everything except "capisce".
- Bart Simpson: You guys made a snowman family?
- Homer Simpson: Check it out, boy! It's like looking into a living snow mirror.
- Bart Simpson: Why didn't you wait for me?
- Marge Simpson: I didn't think you'd mind. I figured you were getting a little too old for this. But you can still make one. There's some snow left under the car!
- Gavin's Mom: Gavin, don't you already have this game?
- Gavin: No, Mom, you idiot! I have "Bloodstorm", and "Bone Squad", and "Bloodstorm II", stupid.
- Gavin's Mom: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a "Bonestorm".
- Gavin: Get two. I'm not sharing with Katelyn!
- [the employee gets two copies of the same game]
- Bart Simpson: That must be the happiest kid in the world.
- Gavin's Mom: [after seeing Bart get escorted by the security guard] That boy's parents made some terrible mistakes!
- Gavin: Shut up, Mom!
- Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as "Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness." I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at "Foot Locker" of Beverly Hills.
- Homer Simpson: I've figured out the boy's punishment: First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
- Marge Simpson: [holding a clay sculpture designed like Bart's hand] I always thought I understood my special little guy. But somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.
- Homer Simpson: [drawing a robot in his notebook] Eh, what are you gonna do?
- Marge Simpson: [having a second thought] He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.
- Bart Simpson: [while Bart and Lisa are brushing their teeth] Man, I thought Mom was going to scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice.
- Lisa Simpson: I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop; it absorbs everything that touches it, like this bathroom rug.
- Bart Simpson: [looks at the rug] Really? You think this might be one of those forever-type things?
- Lisa Simpson: [with her mouth full of toothpaste] I don't know.
- Homer Simpson: this the season marge we only get 30 sweet noggy says then the government takes it away again.
- [the family are heading to the mall for photos, but Bart is wearing a disguise]
- Marge Simpson: What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?
- [Bart is shown to be wearing an aviator cap and sunglasses aside from the putty]
- Bart Simpson: [abrasive] I don't have to listen to these wild allegations!
- [His fake nose falls off and is eaten by Santa's Littler Helper. Marge takes off the rest of his disguise]
- Marge Simpson: Please, Bart; no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just *one* nice family photo.
- [She gestures to a trio of family photos. The rest of the family looks normal in each of them, but in the first, Bart is cross-eyed and sticking his tongue out; in the second, he's wearing a black square moustache and saluting; in the third, he's holding a speech bubble next to Homer, which reads "I stink!"]
- Homer: [looking at the last photo] Hey! I don't remember saying that.
- Marge Simpson: Bart, what's taking so long? If you're having that problem with your zipper, I can send your father up.
- Homer: Oh no, I'm not.