The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Otto Show (1992)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier

Quotes 

• Homer : That guy has gotta go.

  Marge : Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.

  [pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight] 

  Otto : So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind.

  [Lisa gasps] 

  Otto : So, finally, she swerved off the road into the woods and lost the other car and that's when she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No-- he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!

  Lisa Simpson : Did the maniac kill her?

  Otto : Natch. And you know how I know?

  Lisa Simpson : How?

  Otto : Because... I was that maniac.

  [Lisa's scream shakes the whole house] 

  Otto : [hastily]  Hey, I was just kidding.

• [Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage] 

  Marge : I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say "whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"

  Homer : Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"

• Patty : Well, if it isn't Wee Willie Washout.

  Otto : I wanna to take the test again.

  Patty : Why?

  Otto : So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big bald head!

  Patty : [interested]  Really?

• [at the DMV, Patty is chuckling] 

  Selma : What's so funny?

  Patty : I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.

  Selma : We'll watch the tape tonight.

• Patty : [Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left]  My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

  Otto : Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.

  Patty : [Drops green pen]  I won't be needing this.

• Otto : There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.

  Marge : Well, before you do that, maybe you should take the driving test again.

  Otto : Dah, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time. This time I'm hungover.

• Marge : Otto, you can't sit around the house watching TV all day.

  Otto : You know, you're right. I should do a little reading. You got any of those Where's Waldo books?

  Marge : No.

  Otto : Well, how about anything written from the vampire's point of view?

  Marge : No.

  Otto : Well, how about books where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?

  Marge : Otto, I think you should get a job!

  Otto : Look, the only thing I was ever good at was driving the bus and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.

  Marge : So get that piece of paper.

  Otto : I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try.

• [after Otto told Lisa a horror story, which caused her to scream] 

  Homer : That's it. He's out of here.

  Marge : But we're the only family he's got.

  Homer : This is not Happy Days and he is not the Fonz.