- [Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day]
- Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce our Grand Marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White.
- Barry White: Barry White.
- Mayor Quimby: No, it says here Larry White.
- Barry White: I know my own name.
- Mayor Quimby: Yeah? Well, we'll just see!
- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: [Reading from his Bible] And the Lord said, "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl upon their bellies, and thy town shall be a beacon unto others." So you see, Lisa, even God Himself endorses Whacking Day.
- Lisa: Let me see that.
- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: [Putting his Bible away] No.
- Bart: Whacking Day is a sham. It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish.
- Old Irishman: 'Tis true. I took many a lump, but 'twas all in good fun.
- [Whacking Day anthem - to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"]
- Choir: O Whacking Day, O Whacking Day/Our hallowed snake-skull cracking day/We'll break their backs/Gouge out their eyes/Their evil hearts we'll pulverize/O Whacking Day, O Whacking Day/May God bestow his grace on Thee.
- Springfield Christian School sign: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Dogma.
- Christian School Teacher: [after Marge drops Bart off at a Christian school] Now, Bart, since you're new here, perhaps you'd favor us with a psalm.
- Bart: How about "Beans, beans, the musical fruit"?
- Christian School Teacher: Well, uh, beans were a staple of the Israelites. Yes, proceed.
- Bart: Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot.
- Christian School Teacher: [the teacher and other students chase Bart out of the school, waving clubs] Avert your eyes, children! He may take on other forms!
- Principal Skinner: [Last lines; hurrying to deliver mountain bikes to the school bullies still locked in the school basement] Faster, Willie, faster. Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues.
- Groundskeeper Willie: What if they're dead, sir?
- Principal Skinner: Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom!
- Groundskeeper Willie: Freedom.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [quietly muttering] I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.
- Superintendent Chalmers: It's always the children's fault isn't it, Seymore?
- Principal Skinner: Yes. Yes it is, sir.
- Superintendent Chalmers: We're dropping the geography requirement. The children weren't testing well. It was proving to be an embarrassment.