- Mr. Moseby: [to Ilsa] I thought I smelled a rat, but it turned out to be a mole.
- Ilsa: [confused]
- [German accent]
- Ilsa: What mole?
- Mr. Moseby: Do you *own* a mirror?
- [after being forbidden from seeing Todd]
- Mr. Moseby: Hey, you really like this boy, don't you?
- London: I would love him even if he were poor.
- Mr. Moseby: Really?
- London: [pauses to think about her answer] Yes.
- Cody Martin: Mr. Moseby! Mr. Moseby! It's a hideous monster, and it's coming this way!
- Mr. Moseby: Boys, I can assure you there are no such things as monsters.
- Zack Martin: Oh, yeah? Look!
- Ilsa: [enters lobby] I'm back.
- [Zach, Cody, Mr. Moseby and Carey scream]
- Carey: Quick, get behind me, boys and don't look her in the mol... the eye!
- [Mr. Moseby tries to hide, but ends up facing Ilsa]
- Ilsa: Mr. Moseby.
- Mr. Moseby: Ms. Schiklegoobermeyger.
- Ilsa: Actually, since you had me fired from the Tipton organization, I've gotten married.
- Carey: You're kidding.
- Ilsa: No. My married name is Ilsa Schiklegoobermeyger-Vanhelsingdekeppeloogerhoffer.
- Carey: You're kidding.
- Todd St. Mark: And when I do become a dentist, I will fix that overbite!
- Maddie: [gasping and covering her mouth] Some people think it's...
- [covering her overbite with her lip]
- Maddie: cute.
- [walks away]
- Carey: Cody, don't you have something to say to your brother?
- Cody Martin: I'm sorry I flicked flour in your face.
- Carey: Zack?
- Zack Martin: I'm sorry you're my brother.
- Cody Martin: [Cody and Zack are walking to Maddie, holding up a basket of cookies] Hey, Maddie, would you try some of my cookies?
- Maddie: Sure!
- [Maddie takes a cookie and takes a bite out of it]
- Cody Martin: What do you think?
- Zack Martin: Careful. If you tell him there are too many walnuts, he'll lock himself in the bathroom and cry.
- Maddie: [after tasting Cody's cookie] Cody, these are amazing! You know, girls like guys who can cook.
- Zack Martin: I helped!
- [Maddie stares at Zack blankly, and a customer walks up to the cookie basket and helps herself to a cookie and takes a bite out of it]
- Customer: Mmm! These are fantastic! How much are they?
- Cody Martin: They're free!
- Zack Martin: For $5!
- Customer: [grabs Cody's cookie basket and gives the twins a wad of cash] I'll take the whole basket! Mmm!
- Zack Martin: [staring at the wad of cash the customer gave them] All right! Cody's Cookies are going to make me rich!
- Cody Martin: Ahem!
- Zack Martin: Did I say "me"? I meant "us"!
- [Zack puts his arm around Cody]
- Cody Martin: [Cody and Zack run into the Beacon Hill Ball armed with pies. Cody is armed and ready to throw a pie at Zack] Come back here and take this banana cream pie like a man!
- Mr. Moseby: [to Ilsa] He wouldn't.
- [Cody throws the pie, Zack ducks and the pie splatters on a guest]
- Mr. Moseby: He *would*!
- Ilsa: [Ilsa giggles to herself] I love the twins!
- [Cody throws another pie and it splatters on another guest]
- Mr. Moseby: [Moseby tries to stop the pie fight the twins started] This pie-throwing will stop this *instant*!
- Ilsa: Mr Moseby!
- [Ilsa splats a pie in Moseby's face]
- Ilsa: Hmm!
- Mr. Moseby: [picking up a pie to splat at Ilsa] Right after *this*!
- [Moseby turns around and another pie splats in his face]
- Ilsa: Oops!
- [Mr Moseby grins then stomps on her foot, then a pie splats in her face. Mr Moseby splats another pie behind her and it is in her hair. Ilsa throws another pie, Moseby ducks and the pie lands on another guest. Ilsa gasps]
- Carey: [Carey runs into the ball, seeing the pie fight] Zack! Cody! Oh, what is going on here!
- [sees a pie going towards her]
- Carey: Whoa!
- [Carey ducks and a pie splats on a guest]
- Carey: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- [a pie splatters on one half of Carey's face]
- Carey: OK...
- [another pie splatters on another half of her face]
- Carey: Now, *that* I didn't see coming!
- [Carey tastes some of the pie on her finger. A whole pie fight ensues]
- London: [hiding under the seats] We'll never find Todd in here!
- [getting upset]
- London: And we'll never have our first kiss!
- [sees a person with a mask and pie on his face come up to her]
- London: Ewww! Get off of me, pie face!
- Todd St. Mark: It's me! Todd!
- London: [London takes the mask off him and is thrilled] Todd! Oh, you *did* come!
- Todd St. Mark: Of course I did! I needed to tell you that I love you, and do this!
- [London and Todd kiss passionately, and both end up smiling with pie on their faces]
- Maddie: I guess some people *do* get everything they want! Happy Hanukkah, London!
- [a pie unexpectedly splats in Maddie's face, she gasps. London and Todd continue to kiss while the pie fight goes on]
- London: [London is walking down the staircase, looking at herself in the mirror, until she loses concentration and bumps into a tall, dark and handsome guy] Hey! Would you watch where you're going?
- [he picks up her mirror and gazes into his eyes romantically]
- Todd St. Mark: I am so sorry.
- London: No, no, it was my fault.
- Todd St. Mark: [looking at London's shiny white teeth] Forgive me for staring, but, your teeth!
- [London smiles at him]
- Todd St. Mark: They're like perfect little pearls!
- London: Oh, thanks. You're kinda cute yourself... for a dentist.
- Todd St. Mark: I wish! My dream is to attend the Zurich Dental Institute, and make the world safe from chronic periodontitis.
- London: [smiles and gazes at him romantically, not paying attention to what he said] I don't know what you just said, but it sounds so...
- [sighs]
- London: medical!
- Ilsa: [marching over to Moseby's front desk] Moseby! Yeah, I just wanted to see if the Japanese ambassador had checked in yet. Oh wait, he couldn't have! Because he's staying at the St. Mark!
- Mr. Moseby: [gasps] That's impossible! He *always* stays here at the Tipton!
- Ilsa: Well it seems he heard you were having a problem with cockerlockers. That's German for
- [yelling out loud in front of guests]
- Ilsa: COCKROACHES!
- [stamps foot trying to squash them]
- Mr. Moseby: Well he must've heard *that* lie from the head cockerlocker herself!
- Todd St. Mark: [sees Ilsa, gasps and hides] It's Ilsa!
- London: You know her?
- Todd St. Mark: Yeah, she runs my dad's hotel across the street. If she finds out I'm here, I'll be in *big* trouble!
- London: *You're* Todd St. Mark? *I'm* London Tipton! My dad hates *your* dad!
- Todd St. Mark: My dad hates *your* dad!
- London: We have so much in common!
- [giggles]
- Ilsa: Todd!
- [spots Todd hiding behind London]
- Ilsa: Ooh, good hiding place. It was so hard to see you behind the 4-foot Cupie doll! You know your father doesn't approve of your dental dream. Or this *Tipton*! It is verboten! Come with me! Mach Schnell!
- Todd St. Mark: But...
- Ilsa: Dut, dut, dut!
- [leading Todd to a military march]
- Ilsa: Left, left,
- [Todd looks at London]
- Ilsa: Don't look back! Left, left, left!