- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.
- Christopher Titus: Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
- Ken Titus: White. That's all that matters.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Papa Titus!
- Ken Titus: In society's eyes, I'm saying!
- Ken Titus: If you make a decision, you stick with it. No matter how much it screws up your life. That's why I kept you kids.
- Dave Scouvel: [writing] What's French for "Ziggy"?
- Christopher Titus: Dave!
- Dave Scouvel: "Dave".
- [writes it down]
- Ken Titus: Marriage is permanent, like a tattoo. If you can't live with a skull and crossbones on your ass, don't get married!
- Stefan: If you want to have this baby, let's discuss it.
- Shannon: Didn't Christopher tell you ? I lost the baby. I had a mis-carriage.
- Stefan: Oh thank God !
- Shannon: [looking up] What ?
- Stefan: I am so full of happy.
- Christopher Titus: [walking in] What ? She just lost a baby.
- Stefan: I understand. Good things happen to good people.
- Tommy Shafter: [walking in] What ?
- Stefan: Yes, yes. Now I can still have my career and we don't have to discuss getting rid of the baby.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [walking in] What ? You, you are just a big... swedish... meatball.
- Dave Scouvel: [walking in] What ?