Jack Benny: Self

Quotes 

• Jack Benny : In London, there was that big scandal with a lot of great personalities, and...

  Johnny Carson : A couple of lords were involved, too.

  Jack Benny : Couple of lords. And a few call girls, you see... We could have used - we could have used a couple at Watergate.

• Jack Benny : [on his old movies being seen in France]  That's the only way they know me; nobody knows, not - your shows haven't been there?

  Johnny Carson : No, they wouldn't know me. I've been...

  Jack Benny : Well, of course. If they don't know me, they certainly wouldn't know you!

• Jack Benny : That's what women are for, is to spend money.

  Johnny Carson : Yeah.

  Jack Benny : And as long as I...

  Johnny Carson : [looking forlorn during laughter]  ... That's certainly true. I've done it different ways than you have, but, uh...

• Jack Benny : What would I do if I retired? I don't do it now; why would I do it later?

• Jack Benny : Age? Let me tell you something. Mark Twain once said - not to me...

• Jack Benny : I thanked the royal family for allowing us to have their beautiful British... structures, or whatever you want to call 'em - like, uh, the Queen Mary, the London Bridge, David Frost...

• Elke Sommer : I like shy men, who are nice, and elegant, and who are - who are helpful, and also are polite, and who appreciate a woman.

  Jack Benny : How would you like if I said I don't want to have anything to do with you?... Would you like that?

  Elke Sommer : I wouldn't believe you.