- Doc Severinsen: [on a failed comedy bit] That demonstrates your greatness, right there.
- Johnny Carson: Oh? What's that?
- Doc Severinsen: Well, most guys would've quit halfway through that.
- Johnny Carson: [on Doc's leather jacket] You gonna go out and have a knife fight tonight?
- Doc Severinsen: No, this - this is my Fire Island bowling jacket.
- Jack Benny: In London, there was that big scandal with a lot of great personalities, and...
- Johnny Carson: A couple of lords were involved, too.
- Jack Benny: Couple of lords. And a few call girls, you see... We could have used - we could have used a couple at Watergate.
- Jack Benny: [on his old movies being seen in France] That's the only way they know me; nobody knows, not - your shows haven't been there?
- Johnny Carson: No, they wouldn't know me. I've been...
- Jack Benny: Well, of course. If they don't know me, they certainly wouldn't know you!
- Jack Benny: That's what women are for, is to spend money.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah.
- Jack Benny: And as long as I...
- Johnny Carson: [looking forlorn during laughter] ... That's certainly true. I've done it different ways than you have, but, uh...
- Jack Benny: I thanked the royal family for allowing us to have their beautiful British... structures, or whatever you want to call 'em - like, uh, the Queen Mary, the London Bridge, David Frost...
- Elke Sommer: I like shy men, who are nice, and elegant, and who are - who are helpful, and also are polite, and who appreciate a woman.
- Jack Benny: How would you like if I said I don't want to have anything to do with you?... Would you like that?
- Elke Sommer: I wouldn't believe you.
- Joe Namath: I've never known enough about politics, uh, to the degree to help somebody, to work with somebody or support someone. I've talked to people over the years - bein' in New York, you know - with the mayor's campaigns and, uh, in Alabama. I spent a lot of time in Alabama - I know George Wallace is a tremendous man - but, uh... politics I don't know enough about. When you stand with someone, then you're opposing someone.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah - that's the unfortunate thing about...
- Joe Namath: On the other side of it, you know, if you don't know what you're opposing or what their stand is, you can't do it - I don't think you can.
- Doc Severinsen: [after chewing tobacco for several minutes] There's another thing I forgot to tell you about this stuff: It has a highly cathartic effect. Goodbye.
- Johnny Carson: Well - tomorrow night, a whole new contest!