- Johnny Carson: [on Ed's Veterans Day traditions] He drinks to our eleven million fighting men - one by one.
- Albert Weber: There's plenty of stinks, but it has nothing to do with decomposition.
- Johnny Carson: You have a very, uh, involved technical vocabulary.
- Robert Blake: Jailhouse exercises, I do. Shoot pool, lift weights, play ping-pong - all the stuff they get in the rec room at the joint.
- Robert Blake: I eat a lot of health food, and I take a lot of vitamins, to counteract an incredible amount of garbage that I eat.
- Robert Blake: In the wintertime, you know, the grass grows tall in the vacant lots. You could hide anything in it. I always had fantasies about havin' a girl, and takin' her out to the vacant lot where there was grass.
- Johnny Carson: And just hide her for the winter, you mean?
- Thomas Braden: [on his rules for raising a large family] On a trip, nobody can go to the bathroom. Uh, well, otherwise, you just never get to San Diego.