- Johnny Carson: [reading an audience member's comment] "My romantic fantasy is to have my wife come to bed before your show comes on. She stays up every night to watch you, and I get cheated on my sex life."... Well... Gaspar, you'll just have to put on a better show than I do.
- Johnny Carson: [reading an audience member's choice of an ideal romantic partner] "I would pick Tommy Newsom, because he is so cute and cuddly, like a teddy bear."
- Ed McMahon: Tommy's not here tonight.
- Johnny Carson: He also has the hormones of a teddy bear.
- Johnny Carson: You've been described as a... a, uh, legend... um, an extraordinary actress. How - how would you like to be best remembered?
- Bette Davis: As a good worker.
- Johnny Carson: Just a good, solid professional?
- Bette Davis: I have adored the work.
- Bette Davis: [on her early movies] The first two years, I did - every one I didn't want to do. Oh, yes - Parachute Jumper... Housewife...
- Johnny Carson: [noting her list of credits] I saw that - now, I don't remember Parachute Jumper.
- Bette Davis: Bureau of Miss - oh, they don't put those on television, thank God.
- Bette Davis: [on Johnny's guests] You mean some people do not show, but don't call?
- Johnny Carson: It has happened, where...
- Bette Davis: It has really happened?
- Johnny Carson: Yeah, where somebody - you'll just hear that they're not feeling well, and...
- Bette Davis: And so they don't bother to call?
- Johnny Carson: Yeah.
- Bette Davis: Chaaarming.
- Bette Davis: [on Superman's romantic liaisons] Does he do it differently as Superman?
- Richard Pryor: Well, he does it faster.
- Johnny Carson: ...Unfortunately, Lois Lane is wearing a kryptonite coil.