The Twilight Zone (TV Series)

The Self-Improvement of Salvadore Ross (1964)

Don Gordon: Salvadore Ross

Photos 

Quotes 

• Old Man : [lying in the next hospital bed]  You do something to your hand?

  Salvadore Ross : No. I came here for a good night's sleep. The Waldorf was gettin' on my nerves.

  Old Man : I bet it hurts.

  Salvadore Ross : Yeah, it hurts.

  Old Man : You're still lucky, though.

  Salvadore Ross : My luck wins prizes.

  Old Man : [coughing]  No, I mean, I've got this awful congestion in my chest.

  Salvadore Ross : Are you gripin' about a cold?

  Old Man : At your age, it might just be a cold. But at mine, it could easily turn into pneumonia. You know, young man, you could break both legs and an elbow, and you'd still be swimming inside of a month.

  Salvadore Ross : Yeah? Well, if you think this is so great, well, let's swap. You take my busted hand, and I'll take your lousy cold.

  Old Man : [laughs and then begins to cough again]  It's a deal.

• Leah Maitland : We can't keep seeing each other. I should never have let it gotten started in the first place.

  Salvadore Ross : Sure. As long as you're the saintly social worker and I'm one of the crumbs, everything's all right. But as soon as we get too close, why then, you notice I got dirt on my hands.

  Leah Maitland : That has nothing to do with it!

  Salvadore Ross : And that I don't talk like your old man.

  Leah Maitland : Sal, we're just two people who are never going to understand each other.

  Salvadore Ross : Baby, with your education, you can come up with a better "Dear John" than that.

• Salvadore Ross : [grabs Leah]  Listen, I ain't always gonna have dirt on my hands, and I don't need no books to show me which way is up. I got the map, and I'll get there.

• Salvadore Ross : It's all changed. I'm asking you for forgiveness. For compassion.

  Mr. Maitland : Compassion? Don't you remember? I sold it to you yesterday.

  [pulls out a gun and shoots Ross dead] 

• Salvadore Ross : Well, are you happy now that you've convinced her that she's too much for a *bum* like Salvadore Ross, hmm?

  Mr. Maitland : I admit I wouldn't choose you for my daughter, but it's not my decision, it's hers. Besides, I may be wrong about you. She obviously sees you differently than I do.

  Leah Maitland : No, I don't.

  [turns to Sal] 

  Leah Maitland : Not anymore.

  [Leah goes in with her father and closes the door] 

  Salvadore Ross : Why can't I want something in my life and get it?

  [punches the door] 

  Salvadore Ross : Just once.

• Mr. Halpert : Well, where is it?

  Salvadore Ross : What?

  Mr. Halpert : This wonderful item that I'm supposed to purchase.

  Salvadore Ross : Well, you're lookin' at it.

  Mr. Halpert : I'm looking at it?

  Salvadore Ross : Yeah, it's youth. That's what I want to sell you.

  Mr. Halpert : Youth that comes in bot...?

  [pushing him out] 

  Mr. Halpert : Come on, get out of here.

  Salvadore Ross : No. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, I read in the paper that you're 72 years old, right? I'm 26. Now, what would you give to be 26 years old again, hmm?

  Mr. Halpert : I think you're the kookiest kid they ever turned loose on the streets.

• Salvadore Ross : How much would you give to be 26 years old again? How much?

  [Halpert just looks at him] 

  Salvadore Ross : Well, come on, how much? Um - a million bucks?

  Mr. Halpert : [a little amused]  All right, let's say a million dollars.

  Salvadore Ross : And what about this pad - you own it?

  Mr. Halpert : Yes, I own it.

  Salvadore Ross : Do you throw that in as part of the deal?

  Mr. Halpert : How do you propose to deliver these years you rave about?

  Salvadore Ross : I'm gonna sell you *my* years.

  Mr. Halpert : [laughs out loud]  All right, I'll tell you what you do. You wrap the years up and mail them to me, huh?

  [shows Sal to the door] 

  Salvadore Ross : But, now, wait a minute, how about the pad? Is that gonna be part of the deal?

  Mr. Halpert : Yes, I'll make it part of the deal. I wouldn't think of taking your years for anything less than they're worth.

  Salvadore Ross : [excited]  Oh man, a million bucks and this pad. You just bought yourself 46 years, Mr. Halpert.

  Mr. Halpert : I'm sure I did, boy.

  Salvadore Ross : No, you're not sure. But you got a big surprise in store.

  Mr. Halpert : [laughing out loud]  Go on, get out of here.

  [pushes him out the door] 

• Mr. Maitland : I've thought a lot about it. Though, I realize that you are what you are and it's not my place to judge you...

  Salvadore Ross : Oh look, I don't care what you think about me.

  Mr. Maitland : Please, please.

  [continues] 

  Mr. Maitland : I cannot let you ruin her life by marrying her.