- Alan: [sitting on the bed after announcing he had sex with Norma] Well, actually, I-I-I don't think I'm gonna be getting a building.
- Charlie: She reneged?
- Alan: She... died.
- Charlie: You're kidding!
- Alan: Well, after we were done, she looked at me, mumbled a couple of words, closed her eyes and then, poof. Dead.
- Charlie: That's it! I knew there was a Big Bang joke!
- Charlie: You can't worry about what anyone else thinks, Alan. The thing you gotta remember and keep close to your heart is: I get an extra parking space and you get to keep the watch.
- Alan: [Alan finds Jake on his knees, praying in the living room] What are you praying for?
- Jake Harper: I have a math test on Monday.
- Alan: Oh. So you're, uh, you're praying for a good grade.
- Jake Harper: No, that never works. I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.
- Alan: Have you considered just studying for the test?
- Jake Harper: How would that help?
- Alan: Okay, listen to me. Even if we were to assume God would be willing to give your teacher a cold...
- Jake Harper: Anthrax.
- Alan: All right, that's it! No more praying!
- Jake Harper: What are you, the Supreme Court?
- Alan: How do you know about the Supreme Court and prayer?
- Jake Harper: This guy on TV, Reverend Don. He talks to God.
- Alan: And he said you should pray to strike down your teacher?
- Jake Harper: No, activist judges. But I figured, why can't it work on Ms. Stanley? Oh, and you know what else? If I send Reverend Don money, God'll make me *rich*.
- Alan: And did you send him money?
- Jake Harper: Wouldn't you?