Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Smell the Umbrella Stand (2005)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : [about Alan's upcoming colonoscopy]  But I hear there's nothing to worry about! It's a tiny little camera! Count your blessings. In the old days, they'd send a sketch-artist up there.

• Alan Harper : [taken aback by Charlie's critique of the loud shirt he wants to wear to Las Vegas]  Should I change?

  Charlie Harper : You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will.

• [first lines] 

  Jake Harper : [raining outside]  Well, this is going to be a sucky weekend.

  Charlie Harper : Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.

  Jake Harper : You mean me?

  Charlie Harper : No wonder they gotta write your name in your underwear.

• Charlie Harper : [making a hotel reservation]  Okay, we're gonna need two rooms: one for Alan Harper and son, and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress to be named later.

• Jake Harper : [curious about his father's upcoming colonoscopy]  Why do they have to do it?

  Charlie Harper : They just want to see what's going on up there.

  Jake Harper : Did Dad *lose* something? 'Cause when I swallowed thirty-five cents, we just waited for it to come out.

  Charlie Harper : No kiddin'.

  Jake Harper : Yeah. But I only got thirty cents back.

  Charlie Harper : Well, the house always takes a cut.

• Alan Harper : Do you really want to drive five hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes?

  Charlie Harper : He can stick his head out the window and let the guy behind us worry about it!

• Judith Harper : [to Alan, not believing Jake is sick]  I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney!

  Charlie Harper : [to Alan]  I've seen your alimony checks. You already got one.

• Charlie Harper : [to Alan]  I think if she wanted to keep you on a leash like a neutered poodle, she shouldn't have divorced you.

• Charlie Harper : What profit a man, if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony only to surrender to the sexually-frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?

• Charlie Harper : I've got two grand in my pocket that's itchin' to turn into twelve bucks and a hangover.

• Charlie Harper : [to Alan]  You know what? You need to get your mind off this colonoscopy.

  Berta : Come on! Get in there, you sucker!