- [David Horton has reneged on his campaign promises]
- Owen Newitt: I vote we kill him.
- Jim Trott: No no no no no no no, so do I.
- Letitia Cropley: I could poison him if you like. No-one'ld ever know.
- Jim Trott: No no no no no no no no no good news. Just let me tell the wife. Doris! Are you busy?
- Doris Trott: Yes yes yes yes yes, no.
- Jim Trott: You know David Horton and, and the Vicar.
- Doris Trott: Yes yes yes yes yes, yes! Do they want to come in?
- Jim Trott: No no no no, no no no, I haven't asked them. Have you got a pot on?
- Doris Trott: Yes yes yes yes yes, No! but I can put one on.
- Jim Trott: Would you like some tea?
- [first lines]
- Frank Pickle: [very slowly] Mister. Hor-ton. Had. A. Shag. Pile. Car. Pet. Installed.
- David Horton: Frank, I'm not absolutely convinced that this new shorthand is helping.
- Owen Newitt: Sorry I'm late. Sheep exploded. Nasty business.
- Frank Pickle: Would you like a quick recap?
- Owen Newitt: Well, make it quick. The buggers are popping like champagne corks out there.
- Frank Pickle: First we had the apologies, and then the council agreed to give two hundred pounds to the Scots.
- Owen Newitt: What the hell for? I miss ten minutes and you all go mad. Why the hell should we give the Scots money?
- Geraldine Granger: Calm down, Owen. That's the *scouts*, Frank.
- Frank Pickle: Oh, right. We also gave twenty pounds to the Save the Chickens fund.
- David Horton: Moving on.
- [last lines]
- Geraldine Granger: I think that's enough golf for one day, don't you? I don't really see what you see in it, David.
- [casually taps in a 20 foot putt one-handed]
- Geraldine Granger: It's so easy.
- [post credits]
- Geraldine Granger: Right, just a short one, OK?
- Alice Tinker: Right, yeah.
- Geraldine Granger: Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other, "Where's the soap?" and the other one says, "Yes, it does rather."
- Alice Tinker: Oh.
- [laughing]
- Alice Tinker: Yes.
- Geraldine Granger: Do you know, Alice, I'm rather surprised you got that one.
- Alice Tinker: Oh yes, very funny that.
- Geraldine Granger: Why is it funny, Alice?
- Alice Tinker: Why? Well, one of the nuns is deaf, isn't she, so the other one says, "Where's the soap?", the deaf one mishears her, thinks she said, "It makes the water dirty" or something like that, the other one says, "Yes, it does rather, doesn't it." That's right, isn't it?
- Geraldine Granger: Yes, yes! Yeah, that's right. I think you should tell that one to your Gran.
- Alice Tinker: Yes. I should, she'd love it.
- Geraldine Granger: Yeah.
- Letitia Cropley: We're going to see those lovely dancers in London.
- David Horton: The Royal Ballet?
- Letitia Cropley: No, the Chippendales.
- [slander campaign he has devised against David Horton]
- Owen Newitt: In the old days you'd vote for Horton, because you thought you oughta. But remember - he's not only had your votes, he's also had your daughter!
- David Horton: In fact we often say you should write these wonderful memories down, Frank.
- Frank Pickle: Oh, good thought!
- David Horton: ...Instead of telling us. All the damn time.
- Frank Pickle: 'Shaddap you face', that's the one.
- David Horton: [dictating] The parish clerk requested 'Shut Up Your Face' and the chairman pointed out that if he heard that particular song he would take Frank by the testicles and swing him round his head until his screams were heard in Reykjavik.
- David Horton: Look, Frank. As much as I would *love* to stay here and listen to more of these *riveting* tales, I must go. But before I do, I just want to assure you that if you vote for me, within 6 months, there will be buses running through Dibley twice a week.
- Geraldine Granger: [Nudges David] Ahem!
- David Horton: Day.
- Geraldine Granger: [Nudges him again] Ahem!
- David Horton: Hour. I think it's only right.
- Frank Pickle: Oh, that's... that's *very* good news!
- David Horton: Splendid.
- Letitia Cropley: It's chocolate spread.
- Geraldine Granger: Chocolate?
- Letitia Cropley: Yes.
- Geraldine Granger: You promise?
- Letitia Cropley: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Geraldine Granger: All right then, I will.
- [takes a bite]
- Geraldine Granger: Mmm, very, um, unusual taste.
- Letitia Cropley: Yeah, well I put in a bit of taramasalata as well
- David Horton: What was that socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?
- Geraldine Granger: I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.
- Owen Newitt: We've thought long and hard about it, and after much discussion and debate, we've decided that Mr. Horton is a total bastard.
- Jim Trott: No no no no no, no no no that's right.
- Alice Tinker: Feeling better, Vicar?
- Geraldine Granger: Not really, no.
- Alice Tinker: Aww.
- Geraldine Granger: I had a terrible night - my bottom had a worse one. Those chocolate sandwiches. That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleurgh!