- Barnaby West: Let's get this thing over with.
- Charlie Wooster: Don't rush me, boy, don't rush me. Can't you see my mind is working? I told you I been studying nature. I been taking notes on how birds fly and how they think. Well, as good as vultures and eagles fly. You know yourself, don't yer, they're kinda clumsy on the ground, don't yer? Well, stand back and give me plenty of room. I'm gonna take a running start at this.
- Christopher Hale: If swaying in the breeze, do it in your own time. We're pulling out in twenty minutes. And I want something more substantial than just a joke for breakfast.
- Charlie Wooster: You mean henpecked Hector the mouse.
- Barnaby West: If you knew him you'd know you wouldn't call him a mouse.
- Charlie Wooster: His wife wears the pants in that family, don't she?
- Barnaby West: He's got eight kids.
- Charlie Wooster: Yeah, seven girls. That proves my point.
- Hector Heatherton: Did he tell you of my invention of my razor contraption that's impossible for you to cut yourself? I call it the safety razor.
- Charlie Wooster: You mean you could shave yourself without cutting yourself?
- Hector Heatherton: Yeah.
- Charlie Wooster: I can't see it myself.
- Hector Heatherton: I got it all worked out in theory. All I need is a few dollars for tuning up. And believe me, there's a fortune in it.
- Barnaby West: Well, Charlie isn't interested in shaving, are you, Charlie?
- Charlie Wooster: But a lot of people are.
- Hector Heatherton: The moon is part of our solar system, and. one day, when man has learnt to fly, he will travel to it in less time it's taken us to cross our continent.
- Harriet Heatherton: Barney, I hope you don't take my husband too seriously. Sometimes he'll say the weirdest things just to amuse you, won't you, Hector?
- Hector Heatherton: Yes, my love.
- Hector Heatherton: I've been toying and weighing up with all the laws of physics. They aren't against a man flying.
- Charlie Wooster: Don't worry about the laws. We're way west of the Mississippi, you know.
- Heather Heatherton: You swear you don't have a girlfriend back home?
- Barnaby West: Oh no, I swear. I don't even have a back home.
- Heather Heatherton: Then who are you writing that letter to?
- Barnaby West: I got all kinds of trouble with Heather Heatherton. That's what I got. Just because a man gives into home cooking once doesn't mean he has honourable intentions, does it?
- Bill Hawks: You know, Charlie, never try to take a Portuguese fisherman out of his equipment
- [bamboo rods for salmon fishing]
- Bill Hawks: . You know what he told me? That his father brought those bamboo poles all the way from the Azores. Said they're a family heirloom.
- Barnaby West: Well, now you get it from him.
- Bill Hawks: MONEY! He won't have to fish any more after the deal he made with me. He can retire.
- Charlie Wooster: I ain't seen a bird yet that had a rocket exploding under his tail. And that's what you're fixing for me to do if this model goes up.
- Hector Heatherton: The lift you'll get from these wings' surfaces will carry you aloft and allow you to glide down. Never fear!
- Bill Hawks: A secret, huh?
- Charlie Wooster: What makes you think that?
- Bill Hawks: I'd like to have a silver dollar for every message I carried during the War that was written in invisible ink.
- Barnaby West: You don't seem very excited considering.
- Hector Heatherton: My wife knows like a hound dog when I get excited.
- Barnaby West: She does?
- Hector Heatherton: We better get distance between her and me. She picks up vibrations. She has a sixth sense.
- Barnaby West: She couldn't know what I'm thinking, could she?
- Hector Heatherton: All women know what all men are thinking.
- Heather Heatherton: How could it be father's fault if there is a shortage of silk panties?
- Harriet Heatherton: I don't know. I just know your father. Every town, every time, every one we have practically been laughed out of, there was a serious shortage of some ridiculous thing before I found out what it was out.
- Charlie Wooster: Bill, will you look at me when I ask a civil question?
- Cooper Smith: Well, I never knew you not know everything that's going on what matters.
- Hector Heatherton: He'll be all right. I spiked the whiskey with a little formula I invented. I call it a Mickey Finn after the bartender whose idea it was.
- Charlie Wooster: THAT'S A FINE SITUATION! I GO UP IN THE AIR IN A CONTRAPTION FIGURED OUT BY A NUMBSKULL THAT CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW A STRAIGHT LINE WITH THE SUN ON HIS NOSE!