Graham Crowden: Tom

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Tom : How wonderful. She's becoming almost as silly as me. Welcome to second childhood. Next stop, mere oblivion.

  [laughs] 

• [first lines] 

  Diana : How are your yin and your yang?

  Tom : Yin's fine, but the old yang's a bit creaky.

  Diana : And how are your eyes?

  Tom : Oh, as good as ever. I pop them into a glass of Steradent each night; they come up nice and bright in the morning. Why do you ask?

  Diana : I was just wondering if you were adequately barking daft to do today's cryptic crossword.

  Tom : Uh, try me.

  Diana : Well, it's nine letters, uh? "I throw my weight around in North London."

  Tom : Islington.

  Diana : What?

  Tom : Islington. I sling ton. I - I, throw - sling, weight - ton, North London - Islington.

  Diana : Could be, I suppose.

  Tom : Give me another.

  Diana : No, it's all right.

  Tom : Finished it, have you?

  Diana : No, just don't want to tax you.

  Tom : Oh, don't worry, come on.

  Diana : All right. Ah! Seven letters. "Mister O'Connor is unable to reach the highest register."

  [pause] 

  Diana : Hmm-hmm.

  Tom : Descant.

  Diana : What?

  Tom : Descant. Mister O'Connor - Des, is unable - can't, Des can't - descant, the highest register.

  Diana : Yes, well, it's always pathetically simple on Thursdays.

  Tom : I worked in an office for over five hundred years, Diana. The cryptic crossword was a delicate piece in the endless game of one-upmanship. If you finished it first, you were cock of the walk. But, if you were beaten to the post, then you just tossed it over your shoulder and said, "Oh, well, I wasn't really trying this morning; it's always so pathetically simple on Thursdays."

• Tom : You couldn't be nice if your life depended on it.

  Diana : Course I could.

  Tom : Oh no, to you every silver lining has a cloud.

• Diana : Simple bit of, um, corporate fiddling; I'm sure you do it all the time.

  Bill Nigh : What! I certainly do not.

  Diana : Oh, come on. No-one would employ his dimwitted son unless they were working some sort of fiddle.

  Bill Nigh : Geoffrey is one of my best salesmen!

  Tom : Good grief! Are the other ones actually living people?

• Diana : What's wrong with my smile?

  Tom Ballard : Well, it's like a crack in the walls of hell. One can smell the sulphur and hear the cries of the damned through your smile.