Graham Crowden: Tom

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Tom : [playing chess]  Look, please, Diana.

  Diana : Well, are you going to make your move, or have I got time to bash out a quick novel?

  Tom : I'm thinking.

  Diana : Yes, I know. I can hear the terrible crunching of long rusted gears and the tired creaking of a machine in pain.

  Tom : Very poetic.

  Diana : Oh, God. If I should die, think only this of me: I played Tom Ballard chess while busting for a pee.

  Tom : Well, go then.

  Diana : I don't want to go; I'm just trying to stop my brain from totally atrophying while you make your next move.

  Tom : Aah... No.

  Diana : Oh. Strike him down! Come on, God, right now; poof, frizzle, pile o' dust!

  Tom : You don't believe in God.

  Diana : I'm getting desperate.

  Tom : What's the hurry?

  Diana : "At my back I always hear Time's wingéd chariot hurrying near." Andrew Marvell.

  Tom : Was he related to Captain Marvel?

  Diana : Will you just make your move, or I'll hide your teeth again.

  Tom : I'm just about to. Keep your knickers in the untwisted position. Ha ha ha.

  [makes a move] 

  Tom : Checkmate.

• [last lines] 

  Diana : How are you, old thing?

  Tom : Pretty pissed off, actually!

  Diana : So what did you get?

  Tom : I got off on the shoplifting charge.

  Diana : Well, hah!

  Tom : But they fined me fifty pounds for contempt of court.

  Diana : Well done. Bloody marvelous!