- Roy Biggins: [Roy has a date with Edna, the big-faced girl] Look Scarpacci, you're taking an awfully big interest in this. If you don't want me to go out with Edna, go ahead, say so.
- Antonio Scarpacci: [laughs lightly] Why wouldn't I want you to go out with her? Please, go. Have a good time. Oh, just a little tip: sometimes during dinner she gets up to fix her face. So bring a book. And some needlepoint. And your taxes!
- Roy Biggins: [Roy met Antonio's ex-girlfriend, Edna the Big-Faced Girl] Anyway, we got to talking and we hit it off, and uh... I'm thinking about asking her out.
- Antonio Scarpacci: You're kidding! Most people ask her to go back in!
- Brian Michael Hackett: [Melissa is not leaving her fiance for Brian] So then what was I? A case of the... pre-wedding jitters?
- Melissa Williams: No, no Brian, no... Look, in the 10 years that David and I have been together, you're the only man who's made me forget him. Even for a little while.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Big deal. An hour out of your life.
- Melissa Williams: No, it WAS a big deal. I mean do you realize how special you are?
- [Smiling]
- Melissa Williams: You almost ruined my entire life!
- Brian Michael Hackett: [Hopeful] Really?
- Melissa Williams: Yes! Because of you, I was THIS close to throwing away everything I know will make me happy.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Eh, you're just saying that.
- Melissa Williams: No I'm not! There is no one else in the world who could've almost made me do something, something so, so crazy, so, so stupid, so utterly self-destructive, I mean, something that I would have regretted until my dying DAY!
- Brian Michael Hackett: [Grinning, a little proud] Well thank you.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Oh Brian, when you get to Logan you're gonna load a Nebuchadnezzar of Veuve Clicquot.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Whoa you just said an entire sentence to me, I understood not a word.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [to Joe] I don't have a date. You're right, I don't. But even if I did, I would still think it's the stupidest holiday on Earth. I mean only an idiot thinks he's gotta do something special for Valentine's Day.
- [to Budd]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Hey what's going on with those dinner reservations? Am I in or what?
- Budd Bronski: Back off, man. I told you, they only have a table for two. Besides, Antonio and I made these plans weeks ago.
- [scoffing]
- Budd Bronski: Quit trying to horn in.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: A Nebuchadnezzar is an enormous bottle of wine. And every Valentine's Day, the New England Oenophiles...
- Brian Michael Hackett: Oenophiles? Those people got their own club now?
- Casey Chapel Davenport: They're wine lovers, you ignoramus! And this year, your Assistant Director of Tourism has convinced them to have their annual Valentine's dinner on Nantucket. Do you understand what that means?
- Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah. Yeah. You want me to schlepp a... Nebacahoozy of... Jacques Cousteau. I got ears!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: I am NOT cheap! Do you think it's cheap to fly my wife to New York, take her to dinner, and spend the night in a luxurious hotel?
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: I saw that ad special - you're in and out for 100 bucks.