- Vyvyan: [Rick and Vyvyan are arguing over who gets which room in their new house] This is my room!
- Rick: No, it's my room!
- Vyvyan: [Dumps a bin liner full of his clothes on the bed] No! See? It must be my room, cause all my clothes are here!
- Rick: [after picking the clothes up and throwing them up out the window] No they're not, Vyvyan!
- [Vyvyan strikes a match and lights the bed on fire]
- Rick: Oh, that's just perfect, now what are we going to do?
- Vyvyan, Rick: [Rushing out of the room] Neil! Your bedroom's on fire!
- Neil: [Coming out of a room] Huh? Which one's mine?
- [Sees flaming bed]
- Neil: Oh no!
- Rick: Why did you throw the toilet out of the window?
- Vyvyan Basterd: To lower the rent.
- Rick: Of course, stupid old me. Just one other thing, what are you talking about?
- Vyvyan Basterd: Now we can go to the rent tribunal, you don't have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavvy.
- Rick: Really... Well I don't believe you, I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!
- Vyvyan Basterd: Look, is Neil going to make the supper or not?
- Rick: I think you'd better ask him that have you, I'm a bit more interested in my bottom at the moment!
- Rick: Im not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber johnny! Allright Neil, Shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike
- Neil: [Despondently] Oh, uh. Okay Rick
- [Audience "Awws]
- Rick: What?
- Neil: What?
- Rick: What did you just say?
- Neil: Huh?
- Rick: You just called me a Bastard didn't you!
- Alexei Balowski: My name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five Year Plan Sputnik Tractor Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
- [Vyvyan hits Rick in the crotch with a cricket bat because he interrupted Mike]
- Rick: Ha, ha, missed both my legs.
- Neil: Hello Kitchen! Hello! My name's Neil but don't bother remembering it 'cause I'll probably be dead anyway.
- [Two dishevelled, unshaved men are lying on a raft in the middle of the ocean]
- Man on Raft: What was that?
- 2nd Man on Raft: What?
- Man on Raft: ...Nothing. My mind's beginning to play tricks on me. I thought we were lying on a raft just now.
- 2nd Man on Raft: You should take it easy, you know. You must be working too hard.
- [They're actually lying on a mattress in a dingy cellar lit by a bare bulb]
- 2nd Man on Raft: Bloody hot, isn't it?
- Man on Raft: It is.
- 2nd Man on Raft: I should get a lower wattage bulb.
- Man on Raft: Help! We're sinking! We're sinking!
- 2nd Man on Raft: Relax. We're not sinking, we're not sinking. I'll get some fresh air in here.
- [He opens the door, revealing endless ocean, and breathes deeply]
- 2nd Man on Raft: Ah, that's better.
- [He closes the door, then pauses]
- 2nd Man on Raft: Uh...
- Man on Raft: What's the matter?
- 2nd Man on Raft: Nothing! Nothing. Can you swim at all?
- Man on Raft: What?
- 2nd Man on Raft: I was just wondering.
- Man on Raft: Wondering?
- 2nd Man on Raft: Yes, I was wondering if you might swim to the chemist and get me something for my hallucinations.
- Man on Raft: Have you had one too?
- 2nd Man on Raft: Either that, or the whole town is flooded.
- Man on Raft: You're right. We've been working too hard. I haven't had a holiday for over a year now.
- 2nd Man on Raft: What about this?
- Man on Raft: What? This? A holiday? Two weeks in a cellar under a light bulb?
- 2nd Man on Raft: It was all I could get.
- Bouncer: [bouncing Rik on his head] Sorry Guvn'r. Apples and Pears, Tit for Tat, I love London town and I was at Violet's funeral. But this little Herbert, this little Herbert has been bothering the gentlemen and the young ladies whilst they were shaking their booties down to the ground. Know what I mean?
- Vyvyan: Neil! Are you gonna come down and make breakfast or am I have to going to kick your teeth in?
- Vyvyan Basterd: This is revolting.
- Rick: You know, it is amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water.
- Vyvyan Basterd: Yeah. Glue.
- Neil: I thought we all agreed that if we went to the laundrette we would take everyone's dirty gear? Let's look in the People's Charter. Right, here it is. No one, right, even if they've been eaten by wild dogs, right, will go to the launderette without first collecting everyone else's dirty gear.
- Vyvyan: That's my clause!
- Mike: Right, now clause 83?
- Neil: Oh... except for Mike.
- Vyvyan: Alright, Neil, I'm gonna give you three seconds to make supper... starting NOW!
- Neil: Three seconds?
- [Starts trying to make supper]
- Vyvyan: [Moves towards the dinner table once] One.
- [Moves towards the dinner table a second time]
- Vyvyan: TWO!
- Neil: [Gotten a couple pans] What do you fancy, Vyv?
- Vyvyan: THREE! Where's my supper?
- Vyvyan: [Vyvyan shouts upstairs] Neil! NEIL! Let's not beat about the bush! Are you gonna make supper, or am I gonna kick your teeth in?
- Saudi King's aide: Your Magnificence, The British Foreign Secretary have arrive, to offer his apology for recent press criticism of our alleged mandatory cruelty.
- Saudi King: I will see him now.
- Saudi King's aide: Which bit of him would you like to see first?