Carroll O'Connor: Archie Bunker

Quotes 

• Mike Stivic : Arch, what did your Cousin Oscar die of?

  Archie : I think he died of bad feet.

  Mike Stivic : Nobody dies of bad feet.

  Archie : I dunno, he was always complaining that his feet were killing him, so...

• [Mike has climbed into bed with Archie and accidentally spilled water on him] 

  Archie : You got into bed with me to do this here?

  Mike Stivic : It was an accident.

  Archie : With Little Joey it's an accident. With you, it's a dishonorable discharge.

• [Mike slips into the bed with the sheets tucked in] 

  Archie : I don't believe what I just seen there. You slid in there like a card into a time clock.

• Archie Bunker : She ain't a fire starter. She ain't like your Emperor Negro who fiddled while Rome burned.

• Mike Stivic : I'm sorry to get you out of bed.

  Edith Bunker : Oh that's all right, we was only sleeping.

  Archie : [Annoyed]  You don't have to explain to him whatyacall our private-cies there... .What if we wasn't sleepin? Would you give him a rundown on all the frolics?

• Archie Bunker : Wait a minute, we don't wanna know what happened there. Don't tell us what happened, we don't want to know. Tell him we don't give a damn what happened, right?

  Edith Bunker : Right. What happened, Mike?

• Mike Stivic : Gloria said I ruined her life.

  Archie Bunker : I told her the same thing seven years ago.

• Archie Bunker : Where the hell is going to sleep, with Teresa?

  Edith Bunker : No, Teresa can sleep in our bed.

  Archie Bunker : Up against you or up against me?

  Edith Bunker : Oh no, see, Archie, you'll sleep in Teresa's bed in Mike's old room and I'll ask Teresa to come and sleep with me in our bed in our room, and Mike will sleep on the cot in Teresa's room which used to be Mike's room where you'll be sleeping. See, you won't have to sleep up against nobody, see?

  Archie Bunker : If I could figure that one out, I'd be sleeping up against a straightjacket.

• Archie Bunker : He ain't been the same since he had that vassexomy.